Obsessive

It's been three days since my big scare, and I'm back to feeling like my normal self. I felt fine later that night, in fact. It's very surprising to me that the doctor's had no explanation for what happened considering it was obviously something to do with my heart. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get any answers, but I keep reminding myself that no news is good news. You know I couldn't stay down for long. I took the entire day on Tuesday to let my body and my mind recover from the events of Monday. I could tell that my body needed that day off. I hate going multiple days without some form of physical activity. Wednesday, Rachel came over and we did Taebo. Yes, the ridiculous late 90's cardio kick-boxing video featuring the incredibly sweaty Billy Banks. It was nice to feel active again, and I really love cardio kick-boxing. The semester that I spent in the class two times a week was the semester that I dropped the most weight. I went down two pants sizes that year. I swear it's what finally got my arms in shape too. I was proud that we were able to tackle the advanced DVD! I knew it would get out heart rate up, but I had NO idea that I would rain like a freaking monsoon. I was completely drenched from head to toe after just an hour. It made me really miss my beautiful BBG (Kelsey).

Rachel and I decided to complete an early morning run today since I had to go into work at 10:30. I got to her house and we started talking about how she's been having terrible migraines after her workouts lately. She did some research and found that migraine, collapsing while running, and heart palpitations are all indicators of workout exhaustion. I realize that people workout far more often than we do, but I feel like workout exhaustion might be the answer to what happened on Monday. I also think it also had a lot to do with the heat. Running in July in the state of Alabama is seriously dangerous. Some mornings we start our run and it will be 85. By the time we get back, it's in the low 90's. We've had to run earlier and earlier every few weeks because of the heat.

I talked about it with a few of my family members and friends, and it really makes sense that my body is exhausted. I love running, but I tend to ignore signs that I am pushing myself too hard because I am so focused on reaching my goal for the day. I also feel really guilty when I can't run a solid 5 miles. I know it sounds ridiculous. Boo-hoo, poor Shannon cant' run 5 miles everyday, I know... I have a serious problem with not meeting my full potential in every single workout I complete. Just call me stubborn...

Rachel and I have come to a compromise in order to give our bodies more time to recover from running in the heat. We are going to run every other day and complete a kick-boxing routine on days that we don't run. It will give us the opportunity to strength train more and tone our soon-to-be fierce bodies. I know that I should be focusing a lot on toning, but I don't feel as accomplished after a workout that doesn't involve a lot of cardio. It's going to be a real struggle to make myself not run. I almost dread it, but I really think it's what's best.

Since losing 117 pound, my body image has become an honest to god obsession. It's all I think about, and sometimes I wonder if I care too much about it. My biggest fear in this world is packing the pounds back on. I've already given all of my size 14-20 clothes away, so I would really be up the creek without a paddle... or pants for that matter. There is never a second where I am not thinking about my appearance or the decisions I'm making that will affect it. It's unhealthy, it's negative, and it's causing me to lose sight of what I am really trying to accomplish. I want to feel healthy. I preach to everyone that how you feel is way more important than the size of  your jeans or the number you see on the scale, but am I really abiding by those rules myself? I feel amazing. I know that my success has inspired other people, and it means the world to me to have the opportunity to do so. I guess it's just a fear of failure. It would be the biggest disappointment of my life to revert back to the terrible lifestyle I lived before. I would feel like I've let the people that supported me for so many years down. I've got to stop putting so much pressure on myself. From this day forth, I'm going to stop focusing on what I've done wrong and focus on what I'm doing right. The negative energy that I'm surrounding myself with is only preventing me from living the happiest life possible, and I'm done with it. No more guilt trips and no more apologizing to myself.

I'm sorry to be such a Debbie Downer in this post, but I had to share my realization today and how I plan to make the appropriate changes. Best of luck to you in your pursuit of health and happiness, friends.
"The happiest people don't have the best of everything; they make the best of everything.