You know when your mom has a stroke and you get peed on at work?

 Last Friday was one of the most difficult days I've had as a teacher, and surprisingly, it had nothing to do with my job. Thursday evening, Rachel and I set out on a 5 mile run around town before having to attend a school function. I was determined to get those miles in to prove to myself that I could. Running has not been my favorite activity over the past few months. For some reason, I was really motivated on this day to complete 5 miles. Exactly 4.47 miles into my run, I get a call from my dad. I answered through my headphones and could immediately tell from his tone that something was wrong.
When I told him I was running, he said to call him after my run. I knew it couldn't wait so I demanded he tell me then. He informed me that my mother had another stroke and was in the hospital. I came to a dead halt on the side of Hwy. 78, which is not the safest place to be running in the first place. It seems like my mother's bad luck comes in two's. Breast cancer twice, now two strokes? It's crazy.
I told him that I would come to Georgia that night but he told me to wait because she was in the neuro-ICU and I couldn't see her.
Fast forward to Friday. I spent the entire day at school but can't tell you one single thing that happened on that day because I was so focused on what was going on at home. My dad isn't one to ask for help, so even if it was really bad, he wouldn't have told me. I decided to leave work early and head that way to make sure everything was okay. When I arrived, mom was in good spirits. She was unable to move her left leg and had no feeling in it at all. On top of everything that was going on, my dad had to fly to Chicago for business Monday and wouldn't be back until Thursday night. He tried to get out of the trip but couldn't. We discussed how we would manage and decided that I would take the week off to help with my mom. As much as I trust my brothers, I wasn't going to leave them to take care of everything.
Can we please talk about how much I despise being an adult?! I am too young to discuss living wills and whether or not my mother wants to be supported by machines should anything drastic happen.
The whole ordeal was a huge reality check for me, and I did what I always do, and turned to food for comfort.
If I still lived in Woodstock, I would without a doubt still weigh 285+ pounds. I spent all day Sunday back in Alabama meal prepping so I wouldn't have to worry about finding healthy/Paleo options at the hospital cafeteria. I went back to Georgia early Monday morning to take over mommy duty for the week while my dad was in Chicago. Regardless of my efforts, I found myself diving face first into a Moe's burrito immediately upon arrival. I usually get a kid's meal there because their portions are so insane. I am ashamed to say that I conquered an entire regular burrito without any trouble at all, plus the bag full of tortilla chips they give you on the side.
I ended every night at home with a bowl of ice cream, and at one point, I found myself smearing chunky peanut butter on expired sugar cookies, simply because I could. Yep. I am a PRO when it comes to binge eating. In my defense, I was stressed, exhausted, and terrified. Thinking about all that my mother had been through was overwhelming, and not known whether or not she would regain mobility in her leg was scary. It would cause so much stress on my already over-stressed dad, and no offense to my mother, but she is a high maintenance woman. It would be a difficult change for everyone.
I emailed a few Crossfit boxes to see about their drop-in fees. I thought working out would take my mind off everything that was going on, even if it was only for an hour each day. I wasn't willing to pay these gyms $20-$30 bucks to exercise when I have two perfectly capable legs that could run fo' free. I ran twice while I was at home, and both runs were extremely difficult. I was gorging on everything in sight, and my parents live in a very hilly area. I am not used to running hills and forgot how awful it is. My calves, hamstrings, and quads have been sore for three days straight. Regardless of how miserable my runs were, it was nice to be outside, to be alone, and to have the chance to clear my mind. That's what I've missed most about running.

After 5 days in the hospital, my mom was released to a rehabilitation center where she is getting a few hours of physical therapy everyday. She is slowly regaining movement and feeling in her leg. The doctors don't think her paralysis is permanent, which is incredibly relieving. She is not thrilled about being in a rehabilitation center for the next few weeks, mostly because she doesn't have unlimited access to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She is also surrounded by very old, very sick people. She is easily the youngest person at the center. A lot of the people around her are obviously suffering from dementia, which is very depressing. She has mostly sweet nurses and therapists that sneak her ice cream from time to time, so I guess things could be a lot worse.

I have been home for two days now. I even went back to work yesterday, mostly just to see my kids and hug them all day to make up for the time I missed with them. My co-workers have been incredibly kind to call and text just to check in on my mom and to see how I was holding up. I can't tell you how blessed I am to be surrounded by such caring people. I don't exactly have the easiest job in the world. It's such a relief knowing that my co-workers can take over without putting any additional stress on me. When I told my aide that I had lesson plans for the week, she replied with "You don't have to do that! We've got this!" They are so amazing!

I am back to eating strict Paleo and working out. My body is thrilled. Since Thursday, I have been craving giant, leafy salads like crazy. It's like my body was going through vegetable withdrawals. I am not going to beat myself up for eating like a monster this past week. I don't have the time nor the energy to waste worrying about it. I am back on track and that's all that matters.

To everyone that called, sent a text, or even said a prayer for my family last week, thank you! I feel like I did a lot of growing up over the past 5 days. It's been rough, but I could not have done it alone. The support of my family, friends, and co-workers kept me going. Thank you.

A Sunday Well Spent Brings a Week of Content

This week... oh this week... For those of you who do not live in Alabama, the weather this past week has been uber depressing. Even in the dead of winter, it is usually sunny and "warm". Our definition of cold in the South is horribly skewed. As someone who has ventured to Denver and Wyoming in the months of January in March where the temp has been in the negative degrees, I beg to differ that this weather is as cold as make it out to be. This weekend, luckily, has been absolutely beautiful. It is sunny with a high of 55 today, and fully plan on taking advantage of it by running this afternoon.

I went to my usual Saturday WOD at the gym, followed by the Olympic Lifting class they recently started. Saturday WODs are usually brutal, but yesterday was different. It was still challenging, don't get me wrong. Any time I see "50 minute AMRAP" of anything written on the whiteboard, my heart immediately sinks into my stomach. In teams of 3 or 4, we had to hold 135 barbell while alternating on the rower. The hardest part was maintaining my grip. I decided from the beginning that this was a mind of matter workout. Rowing it my strong suit, and I consider myself able to hold somewhat large amounts of weight, but could I do it for 50 minute?! We were ten minutes in before our forearms were shaking. We tried holding it in the deadliest position for as long as we could, but we ended up changing positions several times. At one point, I was holding it in the back rack position. We also thought putting it across one should would be a good idea. We were so, so wrong. We got through it, though! I also stayed and worked on some snatch work at the OLY class. Depletion. That's the only word I can come up with for how I felt at the end of it all.
Today I can hardly lift my chapstick to my lips my forearms are so sore.

Captures us perfectly

The majority of the population that doesn't have to work on Sunday spends the day lounging, sipping an extra cup of coffee, or maybe catching up on chores around the house. To me, Sunday is the most important day of the week. It's a new beginning, if you will. Sundays are the day I choose to whether or not I am going to have a healthy week. I spend the day meal planning, shopping, and prepping. It takes a little while to perfect the routine, but I promise you that investing time into preparing your meals will payoff. For the last 4 years, I brought a spinach salad with carrots, broccoli, guacamole or hummus, and a fruit with me every single day for lunch. It really didn't bother me because I could throw it together in the morning relatively quickly and be on my way. Since starting Paleo again, I am putting more emphasis on including protein in each of my meals. I know I can add chicken or any other type of meat to a salad and spice it up with various toppings. But for the love... I am OVER salads! I spend a few hours every Sunday preparing my lunched by cooking meat and roasting vegetable to take for lunch, rather than having to throw a bunch of rabbit food in a bowl and call it a day.

It gets a little crazy in my kitchen. 

I also prepare breakfasts and snacks on Sunday. Blakely won't eat leftovers, and I am not too thrilled about warming up something that has been sitting in the fridge for several days for dinner either, so dinner is the other thing we don't prepare ahead of time. I try to do the little, tedious tasks that I know will save me just a few minutes in the morning, like chopping vegetables, pouring sauces, or putting snacks into Ziploc bags. I really value my alone time with coffee before school, so it is worth it to get everything else together ahead of time.

This week's prep included:
-Blackberry chia pudding for snacks
-Egg muffins with zucchini, spinach, tomatoes, and sausage for breakfast,
-Roasted butternut squash and green beans for lunches
-Salmon and crockpot chick for lunches

I actually bought a whole chicken for the first time in my life, which is a ridiculous thing to be excited about... I can smell it cooking and soaking up all of the amazing goodness I added to it. I am praying that it works out because I plan on using the leftover meat for my lunches this week.

Cook, baby, cook! 

I hope everyone has a happy and healthy week! For those that are off tomorrow, enjoy your holiday! 

Accepting the Unacceptable

Blogging has been completely thrown to the wayside. The fall semester was probably the most insane three months of my life. Between graduate school, running Fit Friends, and that other really important thing I do...what's it called? Oh! My JOB, free time has been far and few between. I found myself completely drowning. I was all like...

Surprisingly, this ridiculously dramatic Grey's Anatomy episode is perfectly symbolic of how I have been feeling lately. In case you aren't familiar with this gut-wrenching season finale, Meredith goes all sorts of crazy and falls into freezing cold water. She refuses to save herself, regardless of the fact that she knows how to swim. In my case, you can erase the water and replace it with mounds of frosting, pies, and Christmas candy. 

For the last 6 years, I have considered myself to be a healthy person. Not to toot my own horn, but I managed to shed almost 120 pounds and keep (most of) it off! *toot, toot!* I know obscene amounts of information about nutrition and exercise. Heck, I literally teach a class on these subjects once a week, but I find myself struggling to practice what I preach. 

I was able to continue my Crossfit training throughout the semester even though some days, being run over by a bus sounded more appealing. Running is another story... Much to my surprise, running has recently become the bane of my existence. I posted a few months back about how I was having a difficult time accepting that my love for running was diminishing. 

Let's personify running for a moment: 

Running is my really attractive ex that I still secretly think about from time to time. I miss the way running made me feel. I long so much for the sensation running gave me, but my tastes have evolved.

I am working on improving my performance at Crossfit and putting most of my energy into weight lifting. I try to exercise 5-6 days a week, and maybe two of those days are dedicated to running. I am refusing to run more than 4 miles though because the thought of anything more than that makes my throw up a little in my mouth. For some stupid, crazy, ridiculous reason, I feel a sense of guilt for turning my back on running. Weight was melting off me when I was long distance running. Unfortunately, lean muscle was also melting away. I wasn't able to achieve all that I wanted to at the gym because so much of my energy was spent on running. My goals now are all related to Crossfit. I want to do pull ups and deadlift 200 pounds. Mostly, I want to feel strong and confident in my own skin. Running was making me skinnier but not stronger. 

This has been a HUGE source of anxiety for me lately, and we all know what that leads to... Binge eating! 

Something that I am finding difficult to accept the fact that my weight is increasing. For the past month and a half, I have been maintaining a relatively solid Paleo lifestyle (minus New Year's Eve when I ate all the cookies). I thought my days of binging were behind me. Last time I switched to Paleo, weight fell off me like crazy. That is NOT the case this time around. In the first week of switching back to Paleo, I lost 4 pounds. That was probably because it was two weeks before Christmas and I couldn't stop myself from gorging on Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes and all of my favorite holiday candies, and I've never met a piece of candy I didn't like. I am a month and a half in, and I have gained 5 pounds. How is this even possible?! 

My head tells me that it's  partially due to the fact that I am actively trying to build muscle, which weighs more than fat. I am consuming well over 120 grams of protein a day. I have been running long distances less and lifting more, and I have been hitting PR's like a mad woman. I leave the gym on cloud 9 every time, and then I wake up to my scale that tells me I suck at life and should drown my sorrows in a plate of brownies a la mode. I spent my entire Friday eating last week. I dipped into the leftover Christmas candy and snack cakes at school, left and immediately bought a cupcake on my way home, and then topped the night off with pizza, cheesy bread sticks, and a cookie cake. Blakely was really excited. He is always asking to order pizza but I never let him because I am a monster. It was disgusting, and it is painfully embarrassing to admit. The next day at Crossfit was the least fun day of my life... 

Let's circle back around to my Grey's Anatomy reference. The point I am trying to make is that like Meredith, I have the ability to swim (live a healthy life), but as of recently, I am choosing to drown (be a fat man-bear-pig). I know exactly what I need to do to accomplish my goals. However, I have spent more time self-sabotaging than working to achieve them. This behavior is completely unlike me and it is completely unacceptable. I am accepting that it's unacceptable, and I am choosing to swim. I am taking ownership of the mistakes I have made, and I am deciding to be better. 

Some of the tools that have helped shape this "awakening" include:

The Paleo View Podcast 

Girls Gone WOD Podcast

www.thepaleomom.com

 

Maybe we can get this blog thing rolling again. It is an excellent way to hold myself accountable, so I will include blogging more on my list of things to accomplish in the new year.