Surprisingly, this ridiculously dramatic Grey's Anatomy episode is perfectly symbolic of how I have been feeling lately. In case you aren't familiar with this gut-wrenching season finale, Meredith goes all sorts of crazy and falls into freezing cold water. She refuses to save herself, regardless of the fact that she knows how to swim. In my case, you can erase the water and replace it with mounds of frosting, pies, and Christmas candy.
For the last 6 years, I have considered myself to be a healthy person. Not to toot my own horn, but I managed to shed almost 120 pounds and keep (most of) it off! *toot, toot!* I know obscene amounts of information about nutrition and exercise. Heck, I literally teach a class on these subjects once a week, but I find myself struggling to practice what I preach.
I was able to continue my Crossfit training throughout the semester even though some days, being run over by a bus sounded more appealing. Running is another story... Much to my surprise, running has recently become the bane of my existence. I posted a few months back about how I was having a difficult time accepting that my love for running was diminishing.
Let's personify running for a moment:
Running is my really attractive ex that I still secretly think about from time to time. I miss the way running made me feel. I long so much for the sensation running gave me, but my tastes have evolved.
I am working on improving my performance at Crossfit and putting most of my energy into weight lifting. I try to exercise 5-6 days a week, and maybe two of those days are dedicated to running. I am refusing to run more than 4 miles though because the thought of anything more than that makes my throw up a little in my mouth. For some stupid, crazy, ridiculous reason, I feel a sense of guilt for turning my back on running. Weight was melting off me when I was long distance running. Unfortunately, lean muscle was also melting away. I wasn't able to achieve all that I wanted to at the gym because so much of my energy was spent on running. My goals now are all related to Crossfit. I want to do pull ups and deadlift 200 pounds. Mostly, I want to feel strong and confident in my own skin. Running was making me skinnier but not stronger.
This has been a HUGE source of anxiety for me lately, and we all know what that leads to... Binge eating!
Something that I am finding difficult to accept the fact that my weight is increasing. For the past month and a half, I have been maintaining a relatively solid Paleo lifestyle (minus New Year's Eve when I ate all the cookies). I thought my days of binging were behind me. Last time I switched to Paleo, weight fell off me like crazy. That is NOT the case this time around. In the first week of switching back to Paleo, I lost 4 pounds. That was probably because it was two weeks before Christmas and I couldn't stop myself from gorging on Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes and all of my favorite holiday candies, and I've never met a piece of candy I didn't like. I am a month and a half in, and I have gained 5 pounds. How is this even possible?!
My head tells me that it's partially due to the fact that I am actively trying to build muscle, which weighs more than fat. I am consuming well over 120 grams of protein a day. I have been running long distances less and lifting more, and I have been hitting PR's like a mad woman. I leave the gym on cloud 9 every time, and then I wake up to my scale that tells me I suck at life and should drown my sorrows in a plate of brownies a la mode. I spent my entire Friday eating last week. I dipped into the leftover Christmas candy and snack cakes at school, left and immediately bought a cupcake on my way home, and then topped the night off with pizza, cheesy bread sticks, and a cookie cake. Blakely was really excited. He is always asking to order pizza but I never let him because I am a monster. It was disgusting, and it is painfully embarrassing to admit. The next day at Crossfit was the least fun day of my life...
Let's circle back around to my Grey's Anatomy reference. The point I am trying to make is that like Meredith, I have the ability to swim (live a healthy life), but as of recently, I am choosing to drown (be a fat man-bear-pig). I know exactly what I need to do to accomplish my goals. However, I have spent more time self-sabotaging than working to achieve them. This behavior is completely unlike me and it is completely unacceptable. I am accepting that it's unacceptable, and I am choosing to swim. I am taking ownership of the mistakes I have made, and I am deciding to be better.
Some of the tools that have helped shape this "awakening" include:
The Paleo View Podcast
Girls Gone WOD Podcast
Maybe we can get this blog thing rolling again. It is an excellent way to hold myself accountable, so I will include blogging more on my list of things to accomplish in the new year.
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