Before I begin, let me share a story with you from last
week. Wednesdays have become my new favorite day of the week. My cardio
kickboxing class meets immediately followed by step aerobics. It’s a solid two
hours of pure cardio, and I always burn more calories than I consume in a day.
There is a woman in my class that attends most of the classes that I do, so
I’ve carried on short conversations with her here and there. She and I were
waiting for kickboxing to start when she started telling me about her reason
for joining the gym. She had a baby a little over a year ago and was finally
ready to get rid of the baby weight. Although this woman is a complete
stranger, I politely sit and listen to her talk about her issues and failed
attempts to drop the weight at home. She talked about wanting to tone up, so I
shared that I was also focusing on strength training and toning. My comments
were followed by an eye roll and this statement:
“People like you make
me sick-naturally tall and thin.”
My first instinct was to bite her head off. I had to calmly
remind myself that this woman knows nothing about me or my transformation. I,
as peacefully as I could, responded with this.
“Let me correct you. I’m in no way naturally thin. I used to
weigh 285 pounds. I have literally
worked my butt off.”
I think I handled the situation well. I can’t explain why it
made my blood boil, but I was genuinely offended. If she only knew my
struggles…
That’s the first time I’ve been told by a complete stranger
that I was thin, so maybe I should take it as a compliment, but for now, I’m
still a bitter Betty.
New things are happening in my less-fat life. Training for
my tri has begun! To prepare my body (and my mind) for the event, I have
started swimming twice weekly with the intentions of going at least 3-4 times a
week once school is over. I have to admit that I am starting at ground zero
with swimming. I am in no way, shape (certainly not shape), or form a swimmer. When
I began running, I was mortified by the idea of people seeing my disgusting
body thrashing back and forth. The mere thought of someone watching my
ocean-like thighs rolling like the great waves of the Pacific Ocean was enough
to scare me away from the activity for months before I manned up enough to give
it a go. Eventually, I got over my fears and stopped caring about what other people
thought of my body while I ran because at the end of the day, I was bettering
myself and figured everyone has to start somewhere. The fear I felt back then
was nothing like the horror I face every single time I enter the pool for
practice. My inner thighs are my most despised feature. To mask my
insecurities, I disguise my thighs with shorts. For the last 11 years, my upper
thighs have remained covered by shorts or sarongs every time I am forced to
wear a bathing suit, which has given be some pretty hilarious tan lines over
the years. I am training for the swim portion of my race with a local youth
swim team. I know it sounds silly, but I need to know how to increase my
endurance and how to perfect my technique, and I don’t have the money to pay a
private coach. Moving on…
My fear of being judged by onlookers when I began running
was no match for my fear of preteens and adolescents seeing me in a bathing
suit, short-less and fully exposed. I’ve never felt more vulnerable in my life.
It took a good 15 minutes for me to work up the courage to drop trou. in front
of these kids. I reminded myself several times that this race isn’t going to
happen if I don’t get over it and get in the stupid pool, so I walked to the
side, squeezed my enormous head into my swim-cap, dropped my drawers, and dove in
as quickly as I could. I’m sure the whole thing lasted 5 seconds, but it felt
like a day to me. I just knew those kids were under the water with their
goggles and masks watching my fat legs flopping like a fish out of water.
Luckily, not a word was said. The Earth didn’t shake and the ground didn’t
crumble when I exposed my thighs to the world that day. The kids were more
interested in the fact that I was a grown woman swimming with their team than
with what I was wearing. I faced my fear and continue to face it every time I
am at the pool. I’m still not comfortable and I rush to my towel immediately
upon exiting the pool, but I’m getting there. I have to get there because as it
turns out, swimming is the most difficult physical activity I’ve ever done.
Give me a distance and I’ll run it. Ask me to swim it and I’ll laugh at you. I
was under the impression that my endurance was stellar but was bitch slapped by
reality after my first lap in the pool. I struggle to swim from one end of the
pool to the other without stopping. My technique is rusty considering I haven’t
swam freestyle since I was 13, but I was overly confident by thinking I would
be able to dive in and go for 20-30 minutes at a time. The race is a mile and a
half in the water. My trainer said that of equivalent of 66 laps… and my large
self can barely make it from one end of the pool to the other. I’m intimidated,
terrified even. I’ve been running for so long that I’ve forgotten how hard it
is to start from the bottom. I can’t remember what it was like to run for 2 or
3 minutes and have to walk because I’ve come so far since then. Hopefully I
will be saying the same thing about swimming in the months to come. I’m facing
my fears and challenging myself, which is why I sign up for crazy events like
half marathons and triathlons. I just pray I haven’t bit of more than I can
chew…
Part of improving on my swimming technique will require me
to focus heavily on increasing my upper body strength. I hate weight lifting,
like, would rather shoot laser pointers into my eyes until my retinas burn away
than lift a bag of sugar type of hate. I know it’s necessary and I understand
the importance, but that doesn’t make me like it anymore. I’ve accepted the
fact that I despise it so much because I know very little about it, which leaves
me feeling intimidated and petrified. So what am I doing to overcome this fear?
Crossfit, crazy isn’t it? I always imagined Crossfit to be the type of workout
that consisted of a bunch of ridiculously buff dudes taking turns squatting and
bench-pressing their own body weight for hours on end. There’s lots of
squatting, but to my surprise, the classes consist of several men AND women of
all ages and ability levels. I went 5 days last week and was so sore that I
could hardly sit down without help. I swear I did 6,000 squats throughout the
week. I eventually felt like I could only flail my body in the general direction
I wanted it to go and hope it would make it. I’ve never been so sore in my
life. This led me to believe that I’ve been doing myself a huge injustice by
ONLY running for so long. I’ve neglected so many other parts of my body by
focusing solely on running, and I’m fighting to make up for lost time. Never in
my life did I think I would squat 115 pounds or have the ability to pull my
chin over a freaking bar (one day I hope to do it without the giant rubber band
wrapped around my foot, but for now it’s a necessity). Everyday I prove to
myself that I am capable of so much more than I ever though possible. I want to
leave every single workout thinking there is no way I could have possibly given
a single bit more. I go to bed at night wondering what the next day will
consist of and whether or not I’ll be able to hang. Surprisingly, I haven’t
failed myself yet. I think I’m addicted to challenging myself… addicted might
be an understatement.
I think that the combination of swimming, Crossfit, and
continuing my running regiment will prepare me for this crazy insane thing I’ve
promised myself I’m going to do. I’ve shared this quote before, but it has
really become my mantra these days:
“Be willing to surrender who you are for what you could
become.”
Those words carry so much meaning. They embody everything I
believe and work for day in and day out. I like to think the best of me is yet
to come, and I cannot wait to see where this crazy journey takes me.
No more doubting myself. No more “what ifs”. I’m committing
to this thing whole-heartedly, and I refuse to say, “I could have done better”
at the end of my race. Go big or go home, right? This is big, baby. It’s
freaking huge!
Healthy living is all about overcoming your fears and challenging the life you're so accustomed to living. My best advice is to man up, get over it, and start living the life you deserve. Have you ever heard the quote "No one ever said it would be easy; they just promised it'd be worth it"? That is very much applicable to healthy living. Everyday is an uphill battle, but the end result worth the fight.
