"Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything"

It's hard to believe it has been two months since my last post. I am still working on accepting the fact that summer is over. Reality came across my face Chris Brown style the week of in-service. The school year has begun, and I have five precious friends in my classroom that have all the potential in the world. I am so blessed to be their teacher. Not only are they learning new things every single day, but they are constantly opening my eyes to new things...new things about each of them and new things about myself. The most beautiful part about teaching is the reciprocal aspect of it all. It is my job to transform these tiny people into productive, independent members of society, but I believe I am the one who learns the most.

This post is difficult for me. I've attempted posting it several time but couldn't quite narrow my thoughts enough to get my point across. I'm sure you're thinking that it is hard to believe Shannon Bridges is incapable of ranting. By sharing what I have been going through lately,  I feel like I am in some way accepting defeat, which I am absolutely not used to. Once August rolled around and I realized that school was just around the corner, I began to panic. I am very much like my students in the sense that I do not adapt well to changes in my routine. I was used to waking up at the crack of dawn for Crossfit, taking my 8 a.m. nap, running, and then working on grad school work or things I could prepare ahead of time for the school year. In-service began mid-August and all of the sudden I began to feel completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed is somewhat of an understatement. Exercise and healthy living was put on the back burner. I was spending 6+ hours at the school everyday. Blakely and I were staying up until all hours of the night working on school-related things. The training I went to over the summer was for setting up a classroom in an entirely different way from what I had last year, so a great deal of preparation was needed for that.
I knew that another semester of grad school was beginning my second day back to work. The thought of getting my classroom set up, my students adjusted, my lesson plans done, and to top it all off, 9 hours of graduate courses was incomprehensible. The only thing I could see in the near future was a 60 pound weight gain and myself buried in candy wrappers in the corner of my classroom. After countless panic attacks and binge eating sprees, I decided that taking a semester off of grad school would be best.
It wasn't easy. It's still not easy for me to accept. Since the death of fat Shannon, quitting has never been an option. In the long run, I know it was for the best. Little did I know that it was God's way of telling me that I would need the time off.
The first week of school I found out my mother had a stroke. She is doing well. The stroke wasn't severe. The doctor explained to me that it had actually happened in the weeks prior to them finding it. Since the stroke, she has been in and out of the hospital with some complications, but her overall health right now is decent. This weekend was my first opportunity to visit since the incident. Her short term memory has been affected. She will get up to do something and forget entirely what it was that she was supposed to do. She also tires easily and has strange spells of numbness in her arms and legs. Fortunately, she was not left paralyzed. She was lucky. I am lucky.

Since the start of the school year and since the incident with my mom, I have been experiencing panic attacks. Anxiety is new to me, so at first, I had convinced myself that I was dying each time they would happen. I have been fixating on work related things or the fact that I missed a run because I have to stay until 5 or 6 o'clock at school to prepare for the next day. My health took the backseat. Instead of pouring my worries and stress into a good workout or run, I turned to Kit-Kats and candy corn as a means for coping. I have continued my workout regiment with Crossfit and the occasional run, but what good is exercise when you come home and immediately throw it all away on junk? I began to see myself differently too. I have heard that people who experience significant weight loss never really accept their new bodies and continue to view themselves as "fat", regardless of their accomplishments. Body complex issues are what I struggle with most. I realize that I look like a different person than the woman I was five years ago. Every eating spree, each bite of something sweet or the least bit unhealthy triggers my panic attacks. Wouldn't it be so simple for me to just give up sweets and junk? Doesn't that seem like the logical thing to do? Logical but unrealistic.

So basically, I've spent the last two months in a fat slump, drowning my sorrows in Halloween candy and ice cream. I weighed myself this weekend, and since March, I am up 9 pounds. That means I have technically only lost 112 pounds... boo-hoo, right?
**Cue the pity parade**

This weekend was a turning point for me. I've put so much stress on myself between my work and my poor eating that I have lost sight of the important things. I had the pleasure of visiting an old family friend this weekend. This woman has been one of my mom's closest friends since I was 6 or 7. Recently, this friend was involved in a bazaar and unbelievably tragic accident. She and her husband were in a parade in Texas when their truck stopped over train tracks. The posts lowered and the bells sounded indicating that a train was approaching. The truck was unable to get off the tracks, and the train came along much faster than usual, leaving the people on the truck with very little time to jump from the vehicle. The train hit and injured all that were in the truck. Our friend, I believe, got the worst of it. She ended up losing her leg and was left with a number of other complications from the accident. She almost lost her life but was able, by the grace of God, to pull through.
I hadn't seen her since in years but she is now living closer to my parents, so my mom insisted that we visit. It has been several months since the incident. She and her husband are living in a gorgeous apartment with plenty of space for her to maneuver in her new, beautiful, metallic orange wheelchair. She gave us the grand tour and we spent some time catching up. I can't remember the last I saw her before this weekend. Sadly, the train accident was not the only tragedy she has experienced this year. She also recently lost her mother. I sat in awe of her. How could this woman experience so much tragedy in such a short amount of time and go on? The fact that she was even able to talk about either of the situations was mind blowing to me because I know that if it were me in her shoes, I wouldn't be able to pick up the pieces. After our short visit, she showed us to the door, hugged me, and told ME what an inspiration I am to her.
Me, an inspiration to this woman?! I still cannot fathom her thought process. She has literally experienced more hardships in the past year than most of us will in our lifetime, and somehow, she manages to wake up every morning and face a new day. She is the epitome of inspiring and is learning to accept her new life while overcoming these tremendous obstacles. How dare I feel sorry for myself. What right do I have to wallow in self pity over eating a couple of pieces of freaking candy? It makes me sick to think about, so no more. No longer will I accept this anxiety over my petty problems. I am threw focusing on the very few negatives things in my life rather than the infinite positives.
I have a beautiful family, a job that I love, and I live an incredibly healthy life. There is absolutely no reason for me to feel this much stress over such insignificant problems.

Starting today, I am focusing on what is important rather than sweating the small stuff. I am determined to spend more time with my loved ones and focus my attention on what matters most. I know this post was depressing, long, and probably a tad dramatic. Rough patches are inevitable. These hard times that I have been experiencing lately are lessons. I live my the notion that everything happens for a reason.  It's time to pick up the pieces and move on, so I'm making a promise to myself to purge the negative and thrive on the positive.

"Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything". 
-George Bernard Shaw

The dark side of skinny

Happy 4th, everyone! Many of my friends traveled to Downtown Atlanta for the annual Peachtree Road Race. It's kind of funny because last year, I told myself I would build up to a 10k and run it in 2013. I've come much farther than a 10k, but I missed the registration. Apparently the race fills up quickly and by the time I realized I was late, bibs were going online for $150-$200. No thanks. I can run 6 miles anywhere...so that's exactly what I did!

Rachel and I set out this morning on our own Fourth of July 10k. I like to call it Shannon and Rachel's Run for Patriotism and the Shameless Consumption of Not-so-healthy Foods 10k. It was monumental, to say the least. We weren't sure if it was going to happen considering it's been raining off and on for two days now, but the weather held out for the most part! There were a few moments where I thought the bottom would drop out for sure. You know, those light mists that fall just before all hell breaks loose?
I swear the track we ran on was more than 6.2 miles. This was the second time I've run the course, and both times I have ended at almost 7 miles. Either way, it was a fun way to celebrate and burn some calories! It was also my first run with my hydration pack. The heat and humidity have been getting the best of me lately. I've had to cut several of my runs short because I just can't shake feeling like I'm breathing into a plastic bag. Rachel has been running with her hydration belt all summer, and she told me it makes all the difference in the world. I ordered one, and I can't believe it's taken me so long to invest in one! It's a little awkward at first because you have a belt strapped to you with a water bottle sloshing around, but it is definitely worth it. The sun wasn't out today, but I wouldn't have made it without water in this humidity.
Have I mentioned how much I hate the south?

Not only were we both first in our age group, but we took home the whole thing! 

We were sweaty, sticky messes! 

The past two days have been rough. CrossFit has been kicking my butt, to the point of needed to take a day off to recover. My quads and hamstrings have been so tight that transitioning from a seated position to standing is like a two minute ordeal. My love handles are ever sore. How does that happen?! I'm a member of a running blog site, and I sought some advice from runners far more skilled than me because the muscle confusion that I am experiencing from CrossFit is affecting my runs. It's difficult to run distances when a different part of your body aches everyday. Most of them said exactly what I didn't want to hear... that I'm doing too much. I try to go to CrossFit at least 5 times per week. I've been doing two-a-days all summer, and unfortunately, I'm going to have to cut back to allow for more recovery time. 

I've had this blog for a little more than a year. I try to be as candid as possible about the ups and downs of healthy living. Since its creation, I've had people talk to me about expanding my writing. A few people have even asked me if I would ever write a book. With a full time job, graduate school, and training, I have never really given it much thought. The other day I sat down, opened a Word document, and spilled my thoughts onto paper out of pure boredom. I'm not sure what it is, but it's something. I have always tried to explain to people that there is a "dark side" of losing weight. If you think about it, dropping the weight of an average teenager is a total body transformation. The best way I can describe it is like an out of body experience. You begin to look at your self differently, and eventually, other people do too. It's like the old you never existed at all, and it can be difficult to accept this new person that has taken over your body. I say new person because it's never just a physical transformation. The mental and emotional changes that accompany such a drastic physical change are undeniable. Your interests and hobbies change, and you are forced to make sacrifices to become the person you want to be. It can be a little overwhelming at times. If I were going to write a book, it would be about that. The struggles of accepting the physical, mental, and emotional changes of weight loss. Of course, anything I write would ooze vulgarity and profanity, and my obscene sense of humor would be painted in every line. It's something to think about, I suppose. 

I'm not posting any recipes or workouts today. I think holidays should spent with family and friends instead of the gym, and unhealthy choices should be made all day long. Don't be afraid to scarf down a hot dog or three, and enjoy your patriotic desserts because tomorrow, it's back to the grind! 

Becoming a runner

There's a good chance that I've already blogged about some of this information, but I figured it would be helpful to have it all in one post.

Running... the word alone probably sends chills down your spine and aches through your shins. In my fat life, I swore to never run unless it was away from a bear or toward Justin Timberlake. Both of those rules still apply, however, I have developed a love/hate relationship with the activity that cannot be denied. I hate how much I love running. You wouldn't know it since my mileage has decreased so significantly since summer began, but running is still my favorite form of physical activity.

Learning to love running is probably the hardest part because in the beginning, there is absolutely nothing enjoyable about it. Sweat is pouring in your eyes, down your legs, and off your elbows. I didn't even know my elbows could sweat until I started running! Two minutes in, your heartbeat pounds so quickly and loudly that you question whether it's part of the process or if you're making medical history as the youngest person to die of a heart attack. The air around you becomes thick like molasses, and no matter how hard you gasp, you're certain that the air is incapable of making it to your lungs. You're convinced that you're going to fall over dead at any moment, and you'll die alone in the streets of your neighborhood or with your head being repeatedly beaten by the belt of your treadmill. Your knees, shins, and calves ache with each and every step, and you begin talking yourself into turning around and throwing in the towel. Have I nailed it? Did I leave anything out?

There's good news, and there's bad news. The good news is that you've already taken the hardest step: the first one out the door. Getting to a point where you have convinced yourself that running is about to occur is absolutely the most difficult part.

Never in my fat, chocolate fountain filled dreams did I imagine myself earning the title of a runner. I told Kelsey one day that I was interested in it, but it wasn't until months later that I got my fat self on a treadmill and forced myself to try it. Kelsey told me to cover the screen and run until I couldn't... then she stood beside me and watched me do it. By the time I was ready to die, I felt certain I had run for 45 minutes straight on an incline of 10 and a speed of 35 mph. To my surprise, I had only run a little over a mile at a rate of 5.5 and with no incline. I was shocked that I had made it a mile. It took me a little more than ten minutes, but I ran it without walking, which was my goal. At that point, I am pretty sure I had never accomplished anything so profound in my life.

The bad news is that it takes an incredibly long time to adapt, so it's going to suck a lot for quite sometime. I'm a smart girl, so it was difficult for me to accept that panting like a lioness was a normal part of the process. I had a (what I considered to be rational) fear of being out of breath for a long period of time. Let's face it, it's uncomfortable and embarrassing to feel like your moaning and groaning over everyone else; I always felt like it was a sign of weakness to others.
Another fear that prevented me from running was the fear of judgement. I was 200 pounds when I began running, so if I had to compare the happenings of my body to anything, it would be a wave pool or the Pacific Ocean during a hurricane. My stomach hung so far over the top of my pants that I would have had to tape it back if I wanted to convince others that it wasn't there. My entire body jiggled and my thighs slapped together with every step I took, but I learned to stop caring.
Running requires you to give up any and all insecurities and shame you have about yourself if you ever want to benefit from the activity. How many people do you know look good while they run? Better yet, how many people do you know that even RUN? Exactly...

Looking back, I lost the most of my weight after I started running. It took a year before I was ready for a 5k, a year and a half before I began outdoor running, two years for me to run my first 10k, and two and a half to build up to a half marathon. It isn't going to happen overnight. It takes more willpower and self-motivating speech than I ever thought possible, but ANYONE can become a runner. I've been beaten by children, old men and women, and people that weigh two times more than I do, so I refuse to accept excuses from anyone as to why they can't do it.

So here it is, my eight most valuable pieces of advice for those of you interested in running.

1. Set small goals for yourself. Don't set yourself up for failure by convincing yourself that you're going to run a mile straight for your first run. The Couch to 5k program is great for that because it involves walking and running, and you can increase your run time when you feel ready. This method is incredibly effective because you feel like you are reaching your goals quickly, which is very motivating!

2. Prepare your body mentally and physically before running. I still have to do this! Hydrating is, obviously, incredibly important, but chugging a gallon of water right before your run won't hydrate your body. It can take a week or two for your body to be fully hydrated, so put down the Coke and sweet tea! Only allow yourself to have non-water drinks at mealtimes. What you eat will also affect your run. Trust me, I've run on a stomach full of chocolate covered peanuts, and it didn't end well. The right combination of fruits, veggies, and carbs will help with that evil side stitch that always accompanies beginners, and you will feel energized for longer. If I am running in the morning, I try to eat something light and about 45 min.-an hour beforehand.
Food to eat pre-run:
-Half of a grapefruit
-An apple
-Half of a banana
-Toast with peanut butter
-Small serving of oatmeal (I make it with water if I'm about to run because milk is never a good choice if you're about to go running)
-Granola
-Egg whites
-Nuts and berries of any sort!

3. Stop caring about what other people think! You're going to sweat and look like a fish flailing out of water in the beginning, but it will be completely worth it once you've met your goals and you look like Jessica Biel.

4. Invest in running shoes. It took me three years and 6 shots in my foot to understand the importance of a good pair of running shoes. Nikes are the worst, so don't even bother. Brooks are what I'm in now, and I am completely satisfied. My Plantar's Facitis and shin splints are no longer a problem.

5. Have an accountability system. This is important for anyone trying to lose weight, but it is especially helpful for runners. Find a buddy to run with that is around the same level as you. Work together and set mutual goals. My accountability system is Facebook. I post my runs using my RunMeter app so all the world can judge my distance and time. It helps, I promise.

6. In the beginning, don't worry about running for time. No one can run a seven minute mile their first go-round. Don't even think about dwindling down that mile time until you have met your distance goals.

7. Get out of your own head. Physically, it's going to feel abnormal to run. You will try to convince yourself that you should stop, but always remember that the mind tells the body what to do. Once you are at terms with being out of breath and miserably hot, your body will succumb to the distance you're about to destroy! I use a mantra to keep my mind off the run. When I feel tired, I tell myself to "be bold and be strong". Sometimes I start singing along with my music, and other times I just daydream about food. Whatever works!

8. Listen to your body! This is the most important thing for runners to understand, and I had to learn it the hard way. There is a difference between being sore and being injured. There's no shame in cutting your run short if you have injured yourself. There is also no shame in taking a day or two to let your body heal. Yoga will help with the healing, so on your off days, try it!


It's going to take time and a lot of motivational speeches to yourself in the mirror, but I promise it is worth it. Running is my escape. I've cried at every running milestone because I still cannot believe what my body and mind are capable of doing. Don't let embarrassment or doubt talk you out of it.

I love this quote! I hope you experience this one day! 

Tips for strengthening your willpower

This is an excellent Pinterest find, and I think it's excellent advice! 

What doesn't kill you...

Can we take a moment to celebrate the fact that I recently purchased my first single digit-sized article of clothing! That's right! I bought a dress that is a size 8! I haven't worn an article of clothing below double digits since I was in middle school. I'm proud to say the VERY least!

My size freaking 8 dress! Woo hoo! 

Summer is finally here which means staying up late, sleeping in, and eating all the junk food I can get my hands on, right? Wait... It doesn't? Shoot!

I'm dedicating this summer to exercise and finally getting this last six pounds OFF! I know, six pounds shouldn't be that hard. If it weren't for my passionate love affair with all things sweet, I truly believe I would look like Jennifer Lawrence by now... but such is life. I have embraced my addiction, and I am desperately seeking healthier alternatives for curbing my sweet cravings. Any suggestions are appreciated!

Before I get into my health rant, I'd like to brag on Hawaii! Paradise isn't a strong enough word to describe Hawaii. Heaven is more accurate. Beaches, mountains, boats, surfing, and all the yummy food you can get your hands on! If I had it my way, I would have never left. I have been so fortunate to meet a family that has been generous by taking me with them on their exotic vacations to attend to their daughter. Technically, I was working the entire time. Swimming, snorkeling, and sun bathing was incredibly strenuous work and all, but somehow I managed. My favorite part about Hawaii wasn't the picture perfect beaches or the pod of dolphins I swam it. It was undoubtedly the food. Fresh fruit of all sorts, so sweet that it even satisfied my sweet tooth (that's saying a lot). We won't even go into the glutenous fat-fest that took place on that island, but I ran 4 days during the trip and did cross training, so I don't feel that guilty. I can't even describe how incredible it was to run on the beaches there. One of the girls I was with had to work out because she plays college basketball, so I had someone to hold me accountable. We kicked off our shoes and ran along the edge of the water since that sand is much firmer. It was KILLER! My calves, shins, and quads were sore for days. My first outdoor run after returning to Alabama was miserable. Humidity, surprisingly, was not a problem in Hawaii. It was a breezy 75-80 degrees the majority of our trip. I think the heat and humidity in AL is why I am enjoying running less and less.
Here are just a few pictures. Pictures don't do it justice, but you get the idea.

My first time on the beaches of Hawaii!

Haunama Bay. The best snorkeling location EVER!

View from the boat where I swam with dolphins!

On top of a mountain overlooking Oahu

My gym for the day

Haunama Bay

Polynesian Culture Center was another favorite... I'm sure you can see why! 

Trail ride through the hills overlooking the beach

We went to the Paradise Cove Luau. The food, scenery, and show were amazing! 

Coming home was very difficult. I missed Blakely and Marley terribly, but I could have used another week or two in paradise. My intentions were to dive right back into my crazy exercise routine the day after I returned back to the states, but the jet lag I was experiencing was too intense. The five hour time change reeked havoc on my sleeping and eating schedule, so I decided to take Tuesday to recover. I'm not sure if I'm fully back on track even now... I was able to drop 4 of the 5 pounds I gained on my vacay during the first week back. I made sure to drink tons of water and stock up on my fruits and veggies while watching my portions carefully. My body needed a rude awakening, and I think I've finally beat it into submission.

I know, I've heard the news, I'm insane for working out as much as I do. My mom's family is convinced that I have an eating disorder, and I've heard the "you're addicted to exercise" spill more times than I care to count. Let me be clear: I do it because I enjoy it. It makes me feel good and it makes me feel accomplished. There's no disorder or addiction involved. I simply love to work out. Obviously, this won't be my schedule forever. Exercising occupies my time between sleeping, eating, and grad school work. It keeps me from running back and forth to the fridge and rummaging through my pantry trying to find something nibble on every 15 minutes, which I am terrible about. It also prevents me from lounging on the couch and watching Law and Order on Netflix for 5 and 6 hours at a time (yes, I do that too). 

CrossFit has become my new obsession. Maybe I am a little addicted to it, but I can't help myself. It's new and it's like nothing I've ever done. I'm sure I'm not the only person that feels on top of the world every time the WOD is over. The workouts are never long, but I give each of them everything I've got, mostly because I'm paying too much to go at it halfway. Having such a large group of people experiencing the agony you're feeling makes the workouts less terrifying. I leave every workout soaked. My body doesn't sweat during CrossFit, it monsoons, and I wouldn't have it any other way. If you are looking for a total body workout, this is it! Before I left for Hawaii, I purchased a heart rate monitor to keep track of my heart and calories. Every morning I leave having burned 400+ calories, and that's in 45 minutes. It's effective, y'all! Clumsy me... I always manage to injure myself with the equipment. Out trainer explains everything so clearly. I'm not sure how I manage to bang myself up so often. The day we left for Hawaii, I bruised my shoulders doing hang power cleans. Today, I push pressed 45 pounds directly into my chin. I dropped that bar because I was seeing stars. My teeth knocked together so loudly that my entire jaw is sore. I might have a bruise goatee, but I killed it today. 

It's much more blue now, but this was taken right afterwards. 

It might be intense and slightly dangerous, but it's worth it! I'm not dead yet, so I have to be getting stronger. 

Here is what's happening in my kitchen this week!

Vegan Banana Apply Chunk Bread

Shrimp with avocado-mango salsa (I'll be using pineapple salsa from Hawaii)

Balsamic grilled chicken

33 Healthier Desserts!

I found this on Pinterest! Hopefully it will help tame this sweet tooth without leaving me feeling like a fatty Patty! 

I found this chart, which is awesome! I am terrible about doing the same ab routine over and over again. 

Workout Labs

This website is the JAM! You have create custom workout routines with picture references to use at the gym. I cannot tell you how many times I write something down and forget how to do it by the time I get to the gym. 

Good luck this week! Remember, results ARE possible if you are willing to do the work and make the changes necessary! 

Facing my fat fears

Before I begin, let me share a story with you from last week. Wednesdays have become my new favorite day of the week. My cardio kickboxing class meets immediately followed by step aerobics. It’s a solid two hours of pure cardio, and I always burn more calories than I consume in a day. There is a woman in my class that attends most of the classes that I do, so I’ve carried on short conversations with her here and there. She and I were waiting for kickboxing to start when she started telling me about her reason for joining the gym. She had a baby a little over a year ago and was finally ready to get rid of the baby weight. Although this woman is a complete stranger, I politely sit and listen to her talk about her issues and failed attempts to drop the weight at home. She talked about wanting to tone up, so I shared that I was also focusing on strength training and toning. My comments were followed by an eye roll and this statement:

“People like you make me sick-naturally tall and thin.”

My first instinct was to bite her head off. I had to calmly remind myself that this woman knows nothing about me or my transformation. I, as peacefully as I could, responded with this.

“Let me correct you. I’m in no way naturally thin. I used to weigh 285 pounds. I have literally worked my butt off.”

I think I handled the situation well. I can’t explain why it made my blood boil, but I was genuinely offended. If she only knew my struggles…

That’s the first time I’ve been told by a complete stranger that I was thin, so maybe I should take it as a compliment, but for now, I’m still a bitter Betty.

New things are happening in my less-fat life. Training for my tri has begun! To prepare my body (and my mind) for the event, I have started swimming twice weekly with the intentions of going at least 3-4 times a week once school is over. I have to admit that I am starting at ground zero with swimming. I am in no way, shape (certainly not shape), or form a swimmer. When I began running, I was mortified by the idea of people seeing my disgusting body thrashing back and forth. The mere thought of someone watching my ocean-like thighs rolling like the great waves of the Pacific Ocean was enough to scare me away from the activity for months before I manned up enough to give it a go. Eventually, I got over my fears and stopped caring about what other people thought of my body while I ran because at the end of the day, I was bettering myself and figured everyone has to start somewhere. The fear I felt back then was nothing like the horror I face every single time I enter the pool for practice. My inner thighs are my most despised feature. To mask my insecurities, I disguise my thighs with shorts. For the last 11 years, my upper thighs have remained covered by shorts or sarongs every time I am forced to wear a bathing suit, which has given be some pretty hilarious tan lines over the years. I am training for the swim portion of my race with a local youth swim team. I know it sounds silly, but I need to know how to increase my endurance and how to perfect my technique, and I don’t have the money to pay a private coach. Moving on…

My fear of being judged by onlookers when I began running was no match for my fear of preteens and adolescents seeing me in a bathing suit, short-less and fully exposed. I’ve never felt more vulnerable in my life. It took a good 15 minutes for me to work up the courage to drop trou. in front of these kids. I reminded myself several times that this race isn’t going to happen if I don’t get over it and get in the stupid pool, so I walked to the side, squeezed my enormous head into my swim-cap, dropped my drawers, and dove in as quickly as I could. I’m sure the whole thing lasted 5 seconds, but it felt like a day to me. I just knew those kids were under the water with their goggles and masks watching my fat legs flopping like a fish out of water. Luckily, not a word was said. The Earth didn’t shake and the ground didn’t crumble when I exposed my thighs to the world that day. The kids were more interested in the fact that I was a grown woman swimming with their team than with what I was wearing. I faced my fear and continue to face it every time I am at the pool. I’m still not comfortable and I rush to my towel immediately upon exiting the pool, but I’m getting there. I have to get there because as it turns out, swimming is the most difficult physical activity I’ve ever done. Give me a distance and I’ll run it. Ask me to swim it and I’ll laugh at you. I was under the impression that my endurance was stellar but was bitch slapped by reality after my first lap in the pool. I struggle to swim from one end of the pool to the other without stopping. My technique is rusty considering I haven’t swam freestyle since I was 13, but I was overly confident by thinking I would be able to dive in and go for 20-30 minutes at a time. The race is a mile and a half in the water. My trainer said that of equivalent of 66 laps… and my large self can barely make it from one end of the pool to the other. I’m intimidated, terrified even. I’ve been running for so long that I’ve forgotten how hard it is to start from the bottom. I can’t remember what it was like to run for 2 or 3 minutes and have to walk because I’ve come so far since then. Hopefully I will be saying the same thing about swimming in the months to come. I’m facing my fears and challenging myself, which is why I sign up for crazy events like half marathons and triathlons. I just pray I haven’t bit of more than I can chew…

Part of improving on my swimming technique will require me to focus heavily on increasing my upper body strength. I hate weight lifting, like, would rather shoot laser pointers into my eyes until my retinas burn away than lift a bag of sugar type of hate. I know it’s necessary and I understand the importance, but that doesn’t make me like it anymore. I’ve accepted the fact that I despise it so much because I know very little about it, which leaves me feeling intimidated and petrified. So what am I doing to overcome this fear? Crossfit, crazy isn’t it? I always imagined Crossfit to be the type of workout that consisted of a bunch of ridiculously buff dudes taking turns squatting and bench-pressing their own body weight for hours on end. There’s lots of squatting, but to my surprise, the classes consist of several men AND women of all ages and ability levels. I went 5 days last week and was so sore that I could hardly sit down without help. I swear I did 6,000 squats throughout the week. I eventually felt like I could only flail my body in the general direction I wanted it to go and hope it would make it. I’ve never been so sore in my life. This led me to believe that I’ve been doing myself a huge injustice by ONLY running for so long. I’ve neglected so many other parts of my body by focusing solely on running, and I’m fighting to make up for lost time. Never in my life did I think I would squat 115 pounds or have the ability to pull my chin over a freaking bar (one day I hope to do it without the giant rubber band wrapped around my foot, but for now it’s a necessity). Everyday I prove to myself that I am capable of so much more than I ever though possible. I want to leave every single workout thinking there is no way I could have possibly given a single bit more. I go to bed at night wondering what the next day will consist of and whether or not I’ll be able to hang. Surprisingly, I haven’t failed myself yet. I think I’m addicted to challenging myself… addicted might be an understatement.

I think that the combination of swimming, Crossfit, and continuing my running regiment will prepare me for this crazy insane thing I’ve promised myself I’m going to do. I’ve shared this quote before, but it has really become my mantra these days:

“Be willing to surrender who you are for what you could become.”

Those words carry so much meaning. They embody everything I believe and work for day in and day out. I like to think the best of me is yet to come, and I cannot wait to see where this crazy journey takes me.

No more doubting myself. No more “what ifs”. I’m committing to this thing whole-heartedly, and I refuse to say, “I could have done better” at the end of my race. Go big or go home, right? This is big, baby. It’s freaking huge!

Here are a couple of recipes I've tried out recently. Some are clean, some aren't. 

Yogurt Covered Frozen Bananas

Oatmeal Applesauce Muffins

 I've become obsessed with spaghetti squash!

Healthy living is all about overcoming your fears and challenging the life you're so accustomed to living. My best advice is to man up, get over it, and start living the life you deserve. Have you ever heard the quote "No one ever said it would be easy; they just promised it'd be worth it"? That is very much applicable to healthy living. Everyday is an uphill battle, but the end result worth the fight. 

Defining Sexy

This post really doesn't have a lot of advice or recipes. I had an epiphany this week that I felt like sharing. Hopefully you've experienced or will experience something similar to this soon.


I will never forget the first time I learned the word sexy. I had to be 7 or 8, and I was playing dress up with my friend Katie at my Meme's house. I was wearing a wedding dress that was several sizes too large for me, but who cared? Certainly not Michael Jackson, whom I was without a doubt going to marry at that point in my life...
The dress was low cut, revealing the majority of my chest. Being so young and underdeveloped, it really didn't matter at the time. My grandmother walked into the den and told me that I looked sexy. I didn't really understand what she was saying, but sexy was very close to sex, so I assumed it was something horribly dirty. I told her that sexy was a dirty word and not to use it again. Her response was, "Sexy isn't a bad word, Shannon. It's something you say when someone looks really good."

The concept of sexy has changed as I have gotten older. I think every girl's goal in high school is to look as sexy as she can get away with before her parents intervene. I'm not sure if it's this way for most overweight girls/women, but for me, sexy wasn't even attainable. I hid behind plaid pajama pants and over sized band t-shirts because I was so unbelievably insecure. The idea of anyone seeing enough of my body to judge my level of sexiness was terrifying. It was never worth it for me to even try...

My early college years brought several changes to my wardrobe and body image. As most young women, I was in pursuit of a decent male counterpart, and the only type of man I would've attracted in plaid pants and Weezer t-shirts would have surely been tatted from limb to limb with painful body piercings in unimaginable locations. Not really the type of man I was looking for...
I was desperate to look sexy but really didn't have a solid grasp of what it meant to BE sexy. I am incredibly observant, so I began modeling my outfits after girls that were getting to most male attention. Obviously, a great deal of male attention means you're sexy... right? Their outfits consisted mostly of low cut tops and high cut shorts. Cleavage was unavoidable for me, so I really didn't have to worry about that. In regards to short shorts, my thighs strongly resembled cottage cheese and created enough friction to start a campfire, so cut off shorts were out of the question.
Heels have never really been my thing. I'm already 5'11, so imagine how beastly I'd look as a 285 pound savage in a pair of 4 inch stilettos. I was under the impression that sexy was never going to happen for a fat girl such as myself. No matter what I wore, men didn't find me attractive. I figured be stuck in the fat funny girl role for the rest of my life, and eventually, I forced myself to accept the idea.

Maybe I'm the last woman in the world to realize this, but recently, I've learned that sexy is not at all about you look. Sexy is all about how you feel. Regardless of the fact that I've dropped 8 pants sizes over the last three years, I struggle everyday to find my sexy.
I was at the gym a lot this week. I knew I'd be out of town during the weekend and I would be more reckless with my eating, so I wanted to do all that I could during the week to prepare. It was the first day of Y-Turbo Kick, and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Side note, kick boxing is absolutely the best workout. I lost 40+ pounds when I was doing it in college. I was standing in front of the mirror doing a punch, kick combo when I noticed that it wasn't nearly as challenging as it used to be. I wasn't panting like a lioness, and I didn't have to stop every 5 minutes for water. My hair was in a long, raggedy ponytail and a pretty solid ring of sweat was forming around the neck of my t-shirt, but all I could think about was how freaking good I looked doing it. In that moment, punching the air and bouncing back and forth like a Caucasian, female Mike Tyson, I was sexy. Like, incredibly sexy. I can't explain why I felt so amazingly attractive at that point in time, but I was overdosed on confidence.

During my run today, I experienced the same thing. The robot lady in my headphones let me know that I had run 7 miles, which was going to be my stopping point. I decided to go another mile for no real reason at all other than the fact that I could. When I got home and looked in the mirror, my eyes were completely bloodshot and my body was soaked in sweat, but dammit, I looked good. So this I guess this is sexy? Is this what I'm feeling?

I can't decide if I'm bringing sexy back or if I am just being introduced to the real thing, but finally, I have found something that makes me feel sexy. It's knowing that I can do literally anything I work hard enough for. Sexy, to me, is outrunning a man on the treadmill at the gym or being the only woman lifting weights. Sexy has nothing to do with what I'm wearing or the amount of attention I'm getting for it. Let's face it, few people find a soaking wet tank top and athletic shorts on a woman to be all that attractive. No outside forces even factor into my definition. It's all about pleasing myself and knowing that I have worked my tail off for everything I have.

So, what's your definition of sexy?

Perspective

Holy April...
For those of you who aren't special educators, the month of April consists of, without a doubt, the most torturous 30 days of the entire school year. IEP season is what we call it. Basically, we spend every waking moment assessing our kids, reviewing their data, determining educational/behavior/social goals for them for the next school year, developing a 10-20 page document describing their needs, organizing meetings with each of their parents, and then entering the bazillion pages of paperwork that go along with the process into the computer. We complete this process for every single kid we work with, so for me, I had seven. It's a lot of work, but it also shows the progress your students have made, so there are a lot of tiny celebrations that go along with it.
IEPs and grad school at the same time have made for the most difficult, stressful, FAT month of my entire life. I cannot remember a time where I have felt the need to binge the way I have this month. You know it's bad when you're pouring the contents of your treasure box onto the table so you can sift through the Slinkies and toy soldiers in hopes that you'll run across a Tootsie Roll (the worst candy of all time) to satisfy your sweet tooth.
Clearly, I have absolutely no shame.

The workload was stressful, but if I am going to be completely honest, I've had a lot on my mind since my return from California. I think my last update was while I was in Cali, which I apologize for. My vacation was the start of a lot of soul searching and second guessing myself. Questioning my beliefs and goals is not something I'm used to. I have always been so sure of my aspirations in life. I know exactly what I want and what I need to do to attain it. I pride myself on my ability to set and reach goals. I am doing exactly what I always said I was going to do by graduating and teaching special education. I'm working on my second degree AND working my dream job. I've lost the weight of a teenage girl, and I live a beautiful, successful life with an incredible man that loves me unconditionally. So what the hell is wrong with me? My heart has been so heavy and my head so full of what-ifs.
What if this isn't where I'm meant to be?
What if there are bigger opportunities elsewhere for me?
What if I'm not able to see and do all that I had hoped?

In a one a recent conversation with Dean, he told me that the world becomes smaller as we get older, but I couldn't disagree more. I think my weight loss (my "awakening", if you will) has shown me that there is so much to do and so many things to see in our short time on this earth. The world feels infinitely large to me. What if I can't do and see it all? I feel like I'm racing time to achieve all of my goals and travel all of the places I'm so desperate to see, because let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. I want a family and a home with a giant garden full of vegetables and a wrap around porch with rocking chairs, but at the same time, I  want to feel like I spent my twenties discovering the world and experiencing every single thing that it has to offer. It's overwhelming.
With the help of many pints of ice cream and deep conversations with friends, I am finally starting to come to my senses. I have to be grateful for what I have and all that I've accomplished. I'm sure there are bigger and better things elsewhere, but here, I live a wonderful life with a phenomenal man and my family close by. The grass is greener where you water it, and I've just installed sprinklers. I'm making a conscious effort to appreciate the things around me.

As I've mentioned several times already, I've led a super fat life this past month. Brownies, Mexican food, ice cream, candy... the whole works! With the help of my Sensei, Kelsey Crow, I've begun the slow process of getting back on track. I'm back to clean eating to eliminate the bloating. I so seriously feel pregnant with food. My kids are so confused because their homeroom teacher is pregnant. On more than one occasion, they've held my tummy and talked to it as if there were something there... I guess there is something occupying my tummy- a chocolate food baby, of which I am about to ABORT! That sounds horrible. What I mean is, I have come entirely too far to throw away my progress on stupid decisions. I've been eating sweets to the point of getting migraines. That's when I know it's bad. In my three year health journey, this is the first month I can remember where my weight has actually increased. I am exhausted all of the time, and I am notorious for my eaters remorse, so imagine how much Blakely has had to listen to me regret the things I've eaten knowing all of the junk I've put down in the last month. Wherever my self-control has gone, I am determined to find it. To hold myself accountable, I have set and outrageously high goal for myself.
I will be competing in the Alabama Coastal Triathalon in September, and I've got a ridiculously long road ahead of me to prepare. Since my half marathon, I've started focusing more on pace, so my distance has suffered. On average, I run 5-7 miles per run. Last month, I was running 8-10. My distance is going to have to improve. I'll spend my summer mornings at the sunrise cycle classes at 5:30 a.m. to prepare for the cycling portion of the race.
I am going to be training with the YMCA youth swim team to prepare for the swimming, which  really excites me. I know how crazy it sounds and how foolish I'll look, but my kids will be my "coaches", and I know I can rely on them to hold me accountable. I don't think I've swam without shorts on since I was 13, so I'm pretty nervous about reuniting my thighs with the open air. If all goes according to plan, my Tina Turner's will be in swimsuit shape in no time. Swimming is one of the best ways to tone your upper thighs, so I'm fully confident that I'll look like J-Lo in no time at all. Like I said, it's an unimaginably crazy goal, but I've never let myself down. I refuse to start now.

With all of the stress and anxiety I've felt lately, this weekend offered some much needed and well-deserved FUN! A few friends and I participated in the Whirlwind of Color 5k. It might seem like a knock of version of the Color Run... okay it is, but it was fun, regardless. It wasn't a race, so my timing was irrelevant. We just wanted to cut up and have a good time making complete fools of ourselves. We definitely succeeded :).

I can't remember the last time I had that much fun. It was so necessary and relieving!

Hopefully, my next post won't be so depressing. I can tell that I am ready to get back on track with my health. The month of April has been a four week slump, but I can see the very faint light at the end of this horribly long tunnel. I'm ready to work for this race. I'm ready to get my mind and body straight.
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." -Hellen Keller

Here are just a couple of resources for you. I've been slacking :).

Resistance Band Training
We use resistance bands a lot in the fitness classes I go to. They're inexpensive and unbelievably effective! A must have for any home gym!

When to eat, sleep, and exercise
This article is fantastic. It lays out the best times for exercise, eating, and sleeping. Very informative!