The break up

In January, my box (Crossfit gym, get with it!) decided to participate in the 30 day Paleo challenge. Being a distance runner, I knew it wouldn't be a good time because carbs are key for fueling my long runs. Oatmeal was my go-to breakfast as a runner. I made it with rolled oats, honey, a mashed banana, peanut butter, and cinnamon. I miss it! It's like a relative that's passed. Some days are easier than others...
My friends were seeing incredible results during the Paleo challenge, and the one's that continued past the 30 days continued to lose weight and increase lean muscle mass.

When I start being less fat, my only goals were related to numbers.
I wanted to weigh 180... then 175... then 160 (which I never even got to because I realized it wasn't about the number after I began Crossfit and gained more muscle).
I wanted to run 3 miles... then 5 miles... then 10 miles... then a half marathon.
I was seeing fantastic results with just running and a few exercise classes here and there. My entire workout regiment was devoted to cardio, and that worked for a long time.

Recently, my goals have changed entirely. During my early life crisis this past semester, I struggled a lot with the fact that the number on the scale were increasing, regardless of the fact that I was running 20-30 miles a week AND attending Crossfit classes 3-4 times per week. I couldn't wrap my head around it, but it was the root of a lot of my anxiety. I feared that I would revert to my old, fat self.
One of the biggest changes I've experienced since beginning weightlifting is the urge to eat constantly. My body craves protein to repair the muscles I break down with each workout. Once I realized the reason I was constantly seeking food, I began more in-depth research on the benefits of a Paleo diet.

Being a teacher, I am on my feet all day. I eat breakfast at 5, a snack at 8:30, lunch at 10:50, another snack at 3, and then dinner by 7. My day revolves around thinking about when and what I'll eat next. #confessionsofafatty (seems appropriate)
It became VERY clear to me that my intense exercise regiment was not the problem. My eating habits were killing me. My meals are always very well portioned and healthy. I am a lover of all vegetables and fruits. I eat the appropriate serving size of meat, unless it's General Tso's chicken, but let's not go there...
Sweets are my weakness. I love chocolate like I love my dog. If you told me that I had to choose between giving my pup away or never seeing a single piece of chocolate again, I would need an obscene amount of time to weigh my options. I don't discriminate, though. Chocolate is my favorite, but sweets of any kind ignite record breaking binge eating sprees that are so raunchy they should be televised on HBO. A single bite of anything with sugar in it will only fuel the fire.
It took months for me to accept the fact that I was going to have to change my eating habits if I was going to continue to see results.

My biggest fear with trying Paleo was that it would have a negative impact on my ability to run. I can no longer eat grains or legumes, which mean I am having to eat starchy vegetables and carb-rich fruits to make up for fact that I can't down a bowl of oatmeal or eat a plate of spaghetti the night before a big run. I found this to be very helpful!

I don't know if it's because I enjoy the social atmosphere so much at my box or because it's humid as Hades here in Alabama, but I have little to no desire to run most days. I have been throwing myself into Crossfit by attending 4-5 classes every week. My goal for the summer was to alternate my mornings between running a shorter distances (2-4 miles) and swimming, and then attended CF in the evenings. However, I cannot seem to get myself going in the mornings like I am used to. Two summers ago, I was up every morning to run 5-6 miles before 7. Last summer, I attended the 5:15 a.m. CF class every morning, and I usually ran 4-5 miles every other day in addition to Crossfit. I go to bed with the best of intentions, but that alarm goes off and I lose all motivation. Am I breaking up with running? 

The mere thought of running 6 miles right now makes me cringe. How was I able to do it before? I looked back at my run calendar from last year, and on this day last summer, I ran 10 miles! I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. 

Needless to say, I am having an incredibly difficult time embracing this change. Running is what got me here. I used to look forward to exploring the streets, the recovery smoothies, and the fact that I could run the length of this town in under two hours. It's scary because I am so appreciative of all that running has done for me, but I am completely burned out. I haven't given it up entirely. Don't get me wrong, regardless of the complaining and griping I do before each run, I am still running 3-4 miles every other day. I have learned to love my treadmill again.

Since we moved to a new apartment, I am not able to step outside and take off. I would probably be run over my a jacked up truck speeding through these curvy country roads at 60 mph. There is no where safe to run around me, so I have to drive to local parks. They're not far, but it makes it very hard to stay motivated when you have to get up and drive somewhere else. 

I have also been breaking my runs up into more Crossfit-style workouts. Since distance running on a treadmill for 30-40 minutes straight sounds like the worst form of torture imaginable, I stop between each mile and incorporate some form of strength training. 

Here are some examples:

Run 3 miles

Between each mile: 15 push ups, 20 plank rows, 30 bicycle crunches

Run 4 miles

Between each mile: 20 leg lifts, 30 mountain climbers, 1 minute plank 

It's not so bad, and it's not infinity degrees! I still rain from head to toe, but the humidity is what makes summer running in the south so unappealing. 

I'm learning to adapt to the new changes. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. My dad made an excellent point: I'm still being mindful of my health and I am still very physically active. There's no harm in change. 

So maybe when fall comes around I'll start training for a few long distance runs, but I can't promise anything. For now, I am sticking with what I enjoy. 

Blakely brought this home from work last night: 

I look forward to spending the rest of the day by the pool, making a menu for this week! Eek! 

Once you go fat, you never go back

It has been months since my last update, but if you have been around me at all lately, you understand why. I usually begin my posts by telling you how chaotic my life is. I will spare you with the details, but I will tell you that over the past few months, my life has changed drastically in several ways. Between the months of February and May, I found myself in new territory: depression. Typically, I am a level-headed woman. I've always known what I wanted and can remain composed enough to achieve my goals and overcome obstacles. Here are just a few of the things I was dealing with during that time:

-Full-time teaching
-IEP season (the busiest time of the year for special ed teachers)
-Moving (our old apartment was beginning to mold... yes, mold was accumulating because of so much water damage from the ridiculous amount of maintenance issues we had)
-Blakely finding a new job
-Grad school! (two research papers, a group project, and a final all due within 2 weeks of each other)
-Organizing and teaching Fit Friends
-In the midst of the madness, Blakely and I booked a Disney trip in December that was nonrefundable. It was fun and a much needed vacation, but it was terrible timing.

My heart rate increases just looking at that list. I don't know how I got through all of it. When I wasn't researching autism or writing annual goals for my school babies, I was trying my best to maintain a healthy eating and exercise schedule.
It is never easy to admit that you need help. It was a foreign concept to me because I have always been the overachiever who can get things done without calling on others. My anxiety was paralyzing. I had never experienced a feeling of such doubt. When I wasn't running around like a mad woman, I was panicking over the things I needed to do and second guessing every little decision I made. I had no choice but to turn to my doctor. I am not one to take medication for things like this. It was my goal to be one of the 25% of teachers not taking anti-anxiety medication. Yes, 75% of teachers are currently taking mood altering drugs. This statistic has always surprised me. Regardless of the stresses of dealing with endless mounds of paperwork, aggressive and inappropriate behaviors, and what's that thing called again? Oh yeah, actually teaching my kids, I love my job. I have fantastic students and parents. This has really been my easiest year as a teacher. I tried every trick in the book, eating better (which fell to the wayside FAST once IEPs hit), exercise, meditation, you name it... I could not overcome my anxiety. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that summer was just around the corner.

It's not east to admit this stuff. In fact, there are very few people I have even talked to about this, but I figure maybe it can help someone in a similar situation. Let's lighten the mood!

Summer is here! I have made some changes that have helped with my anxiety and improved my overall health! I found out I don't have any summer classes, which is setting me back from graduating. Honestly, I don't care anymore when I graduate as long as I get it done. It's somewhat of a blessing in disguise. I needed the break! I deserve the break.

Fit Friends has really taken off! Our first meeting was in April, and we have been trucking right along since then! Sometimes it feels like a second job, but when I see those smiling faces come running through the door every Tuesday, it makes it all worth it! I have met some amazing folks through this organization, and I hope it continues to have a positive impact on their lives. We are working on fundraising right now so we can hopefully become a nonprofit organization. I had no idea what a ridiculously expensive task that is! Our local newspaper ran a story on Fit Friends, and they featured me in the Community Spotlight section. I've never been in the newspaper, so I was really excited.

I guess the biggest change I've made this summer was making the decision to live a Paleo lifestyle. I can feel you rolling your eyes through my screen! I realize it's a fad right now, and I'm one of the million Crossfitters to drink this Koolaid, but I have seen so much improvement in the way I feel since I started in May. At first, I wanted to try it to shed the extra pound I put on during my early-life crisis, as I like to call it. IEP season is insanely stressful, and you will always find me typing away at my desk with a giant bag of M&Ms or some other sugar-filled treat to calm my nerves. I like to say the 7 pound weight gain during the school year was because of the muscle I was putting on from weightlifting, and I'm sure some of it was, but most of it was the result of the copious amounts of chocolaty goodness I was consuming on a daily basis. Blakely and I were eating out a lot because our entire life remained packed in liquor store boxes until the end of the school year, and let's not talk about the terrible food we devoured at Disney World. I won't apologize for that, though.
I was eating more and exercising less, so weight gain was bound to happen. I felt tired and bloated all the time. I'm sure it didn't help my anxiety at all, either.
I started transitioning into the Paleo lifestyle in the beginning of May. The strict rules for following this diet are:
-No grains
-No dairy
-No refined or added sugar
-Grassfed meats only
-Limited caffeine intake (basically, black coffee!)
Emphasis is placed on increasing the amount of protein and healthy fats you're eating.

My favorite things in the world use to be oatmeal, candy, and a full pot of coffee to access throughout the day as my sugar levels spiked and crashed. For the first few weeks, I cut back on my grains. I only ate oatmeal a few times a week, whereas before, it was my daily breakfast. Dairy was not a big transition. I ate ice cream occasionally and used coffee creamer. I loved cheese, but I could live without it. I knew sugar and caffeine would be the hardest part. I limited myself to one cup in the mornings, and I tried to cut back on the sugar and creamer I was using. I was eating 1 strict Paleo meal each day so I could experiment with new recipes.

By the end of May, my body was ready for the change. I felt disgusting, large, and not so in charge. The first week was the hardest. I wanted coffee more than anything, more than chocolate if that's possible. I was bitter and weak. My workouts were suffering because my body was getting used to running on less carbs. My runs felt strenuous and agonizing. Wall balls, which were never fun in the first place, became my worst enemy. I was so mean to Blakely because of my withdrawals, and he was forced to adapt to my new diet for the few meals that we are able to share during the week. He's such a trooper.
After the two weeks, I had dropped 6 pounds, and I had more energy than I knew what to do with! I was sleeping better and it felt like my recovery time was improving after workouts. A month went by and I saw amazing results not only with physical the changes in my body, but I was able to come off my anxiety medication! I was ready to fully commit to this new lifestyle!

Then I discovered all that Wisconsin had to offer, and I reverted back to my fat ways. I always say "once you go fat, you never go back". Fat being a state of mind, of course. I went to Wisconsin for Annie's wedding. I had mentally prepared myself to stick to my diet until the day of the wedding where I would splurge on wedding cake and a glass of wine. Yeah...no. I was in the land of cheese and beer. I was literally greeted upon my arrival to WI with a kiosk of cheese clothing (ties, top hats, baseball caps all made out of fake cheese). My stomach sank because I knew it was coming... Annie took my to get fried cheese curds and custard within a few hours of my arrival. If you aren't familiar with cheese curds, which I wasn't other than Miss Tuffet eating her curds and whey, they are heavenly balls of cheese, deep fried to golden perfection, and they make my fat Spidey-senses tingle. I was also unfamiliar with custard. All I know is that it has something to do with ice cream and eggs that give you extra thick ice cream that is worlds better than anything I'd ever tasted before. I made sure to mix mine with peanut butter and cookie dough because the custard alone wasn't fat enough for me. Yolo?
That sparked a 5 day long eating frenzy. My eating spell did not go unpunished. I had not eaten dairy, sugar, or grains for a month. My stomach was NOT happy. It was actually sore to the touch. I won't go into the horrific details of it all, but my body did not like the shock I gave it while in Wisconsin. here are a few pictures from the wedding.

I am working extra hard to get back on track with my Paleo eating. Sometimes you have to revert back to your old, fat ways to remind yourself why you chose to stop eating that way in the first place. It was fun while it lasted, but my workouts have been brutal. My tummy is still not in a good state, and my muscles are sore beyond belief, but I am confident that I will get back to where I was before. Paleo is no longer about losing weight for me. I am a tall woman, and I enjoy my curves. I want to feel sexy and comfortable in my own skin, and I know I'll get there with Paleo. Here are a few of my favorite recipes so far! You don't have to sacrifice your favorite foods with Paleo! You just learn to make them with different ingredients.

Chicken Spaghetti Squash Pizza Pie

Sometimes I omit the chicken and add italian sausage! 

Paleo Meatballs

I make a huge batch and eat them with everything! Eggs, zucchini noodles, you name it! 

Egg Muffins

You can add any meat and veggies you want to these! I make a batch of 12 for the whole week. 

Paleo Muffins

Don't be afraid to play with the fruits and nuts in this recipe! I have made blueberry walnut muffins, strawberry with dark chocolate chips, and banana nut muffins so far. All were very delicious!