For those of you who aren't special educators, the month of April consists of, without a doubt, the most torturous 30 days of the entire school year. IEP season is what we call it. Basically, we spend every waking moment assessing our kids, reviewing their data, determining educational/behavior/social goals for them for the next school year, developing a 10-20 page document describing their needs, organizing meetings with each of their parents, and then entering the bazillion pages of paperwork that go along with the process into the computer. We complete this process for every single kid we work with, so for me, I had seven. It's a lot of work, but it also shows the progress your students have made, so there are a lot of tiny celebrations that go along with it.
IEPs and grad school at the same time have made for the most difficult, stressful, FAT month of my entire life. I cannot remember a time where I have felt the need to binge the way I have this month. You know it's bad when you're pouring the contents of your treasure box onto the table so you can sift through the Slinkies and toy soldiers in hopes that you'll run across a Tootsie Roll (the worst candy of all time) to satisfy your sweet tooth.
Clearly, I have absolutely no shame.
The workload was stressful, but if I am going to be completely honest, I've had a lot on my mind since my return from California. I think my last update was while I was in Cali, which I apologize for. My vacation was the start of a lot of soul searching and second guessing myself. Questioning my beliefs and goals is not something I'm used to. I have always been so sure of my aspirations in life. I know exactly what I want and what I need to do to attain it. I pride myself on my ability to set and reach goals. I am doing exactly what I always said I was going to do by graduating and teaching special education. I'm working on my second degree AND working my dream job. I've lost the weight of a teenage girl, and I live a beautiful, successful life with an incredible man that loves me unconditionally. So what the hell is wrong with me? My heart has been so heavy and my head so full of what-ifs.
What if this isn't where I'm meant to be?
What if there are bigger opportunities elsewhere for me?
What if I'm not able to see and do all that I had hoped?
In a one a recent conversation with Dean, he told me that the world becomes smaller as we get older, but I couldn't disagree more. I think my weight loss (my "awakening", if you will) has shown me that there is so much to do and so many things to see in our short time on this earth. The world feels infinitely large to me. What if I can't do and see it all? I feel like I'm racing time to achieve all of my goals and travel all of the places I'm so desperate to see, because let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. I want a family and a home with a giant garden full of vegetables and a wrap around porch with rocking chairs, but at the same time, I want to feel like I spent my twenties discovering the world and experiencing every single thing that it has to offer. It's overwhelming.
With the help of many pints of ice cream and deep conversations with friends, I am finally starting to come to my senses. I have to be grateful for what I have and all that I've accomplished. I'm sure there are bigger and better things elsewhere, but here, I live a wonderful life with a phenomenal man and my family close by. The grass is greener where you water it, and I've just installed sprinklers. I'm making a conscious effort to appreciate the things around me.
As I've mentioned several times already, I've led a super fat life this past month. Brownies, Mexican food, ice cream, candy... the whole works! With the help of my Sensei, Kelsey Crow, I've begun the slow process of getting back on track. I'm back to clean eating to eliminate the bloating. I so seriously feel pregnant with food. My kids are so confused because their homeroom teacher is pregnant. On more than one occasion, they've held my tummy and talked to it as if there were something there... I guess there is something occupying my tummy- a chocolate food baby, of which I am about to ABORT! That sounds horrible. What I mean is, I have come entirely too far to throw away my progress on stupid decisions. I've been eating sweets to the point of getting migraines. That's when I know it's bad. In my three year health journey, this is the first month I can remember where my weight has actually increased. I am exhausted all of the time, and I am notorious for my eaters remorse, so imagine how much Blakely has had to listen to me regret the things I've eaten knowing all of the junk I've put down in the last month. Wherever my self-control has gone, I am determined to find it. To hold myself accountable, I have set and outrageously high goal for myself.
I will be competing in the Alabama Coastal Triathalon in September, and I've got a ridiculously long road ahead of me to prepare. Since my half marathon, I've started focusing more on pace, so my distance has suffered. On average, I run 5-7 miles per run. Last month, I was running 8-10. My distance is going to have to improve. I'll spend my summer mornings at the sunrise cycle classes at 5:30 a.m. to prepare for the cycling portion of the race.
I am going to be training with the YMCA youth swim team to prepare for the swimming, which really excites me. I know how crazy it sounds and how foolish I'll look, but my kids will be my "coaches", and I know I can rely on them to hold me accountable. I don't think I've swam without shorts on since I was 13, so I'm pretty nervous about reuniting my thighs with the open air. If all goes according to plan, my Tina Turner's will be in swimsuit shape in no time. Swimming is one of the best ways to tone your upper thighs, so I'm fully confident that I'll look like J-Lo in no time at all. Like I said, it's an unimaginably crazy goal, but I've never let myself down. I refuse to start now.
With all of the stress and anxiety I've felt lately, this weekend offered some much needed and well-deserved FUN! A few friends and I participated in the Whirlwind of Color 5k. It might seem like a knock of version of the Color Run... okay it is, but it was fun, regardless. It wasn't a race, so my timing was irrelevant. We just wanted to cut up and have a good time making complete fools of ourselves. We definitely succeeded :).
Hopefully, my next post won't be so depressing. I can tell that I am ready to get back on track with my health. The month of April has been a four week slump, but I can see the very faint light at the end of this horribly long tunnel. I'm ready to work for this race. I'm ready to get my mind and body straight.
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." -Hellen Keller
Here are just a couple of resources for you. I've been slacking :).
Resistance Band Training
We use resistance bands a lot in the fitness classes I go to. They're inexpensive and unbelievably effective! A must have for any home gym!
When to eat, sleep, and exercise
This article is fantastic. It lays out the best times for exercise, eating, and sleeping. Very informative!
