Tuscaloosa Half Marathon

The past two weeks have been the busiest of the school year for me. Between meetings, getting a new student, grad school, and training, I have had little time for the fun stuff, which sadly, includes seeing my friends and boyfriend. This weekend should bring some relief. I am no longer focused on preparing for a half marathon. In fact, I am trying to decide whether I want to give myself a week of rest from exercise in general. It's probably not best practice, but I would like to have some time to catch up and maybe get ahead on school work, and it wouldn't be so bad having some me time. I've forgotten what that's like because my only me time since the new year has been during my runs.

 Stress and emotions got the best of me this week. I knew I had to start loading up on carbs and hydrating to prepare for my big day on Saturday, but I went a little crazy with the sweets as I always do when something major is about to happen. Wednesday and Thursday consisted of candy binges and brownies. I had a really stressful day Wednesday, so in typical Shannon fashion, I drowned my sorrows in a tub of Moose Tracks.
I was so anxious about my race the entire week that I barely slept at all. My poor students must hate me; I had very little patience this week and it showed.

Here's the kicker: I spent the entire week freaking myself out about this race even though I ran 13.5 miles the Sunday before. Nanci agreed to meet me in Coldwater, which is the town I work in, if I ran there. I set out on the hottest day in months and ran across two towns. I was dehydrated because I'm so accustomed to running in 45-50 degree weather. It was 65 and the sun was directly over me the entire run. I had to stop once at Sonic for some water. By the time I reached the Dollar General to meet Nanci, I was basically foaming at the mouth and dripping sweat from head to toe. You'd think I would have felt a little more prepared for my race, but I didn't feel as mentally prepared as I would have liked.

So about the race... My parents got into town yesterday night. We spent some time catching up, but we were all exhausted by 9:30. The race was in Tuscaloosa, which is about a 2 hour drive. We decided to leave at 4:45 a.m. to make sure I would have plenty of time to pick up my race packet and get through traffic. I set my alarm for 4:15. I figured I could rest on the way, and it's not like I had to wake up and put my face on...
I woke up at 3:40 to turn the heat down and fell back asleep. Next thing I know, I shoot out of the bed because I knew we had overslept. When I checked my phone, the time was 4:40, just 5 minutes before we were supposed to be walking out the door. My mother is incapable of getting ready in less than an hour, so I gave up on the idea that we'd be on time for this event. As it turns out, my mom had contracted some sort of stomach bug and was incredibly sick to her stomach. She had been up all night vomiting and running a fever. We expected the weather to be bad. The news was calling for rain and snow all morning, but the race was happening regardless. We forced her to stay home. She didn't like it, but it was better than feeling completely miserable in 36 degree weather.
My dad, Blakely, and I were out the door by 5. My adrenalin was in over-drive. It was like the scene from Home Alone where the family is late for their flight and everyone is running around like chickens with their heads cut off only with much more profanity.

I knew my family and Blakely would be miserable in this weather. I pretty bribed them with delicious gourmet donuts for breakfast. Watching my dad experience a red velvet donut for the first time without me was nothing short of torture. I bought 2 knowing that I would reward myself post-race, so I had to wait. Surprisingly, we weren't late at all! We arrived perfectly on time. I was able to pick up my packet, potty, and warm up. The sun came out momentarily but the wind was strong and slapped us like a ton of bricks across the face. Luckily, it stopped raining in the early morning hours and the light snowfall had let up for the time being. I approached the starting line and had to leave my boys behind. Even though I had already run 13 miles, I felt like I was setting out on accomplishing the most important goal I had ever set for myself. The race made it feel so official.

I'm not sure if you really understand what I mean when I tell you it was cold. I have run in cold weather, I've run in rain and sleet, but never in my worst nightmares have I run in such harsh conditions. It was bone chilling, face numbing, stock up on bread and milk because you're not leaving the house for a few days cold. My fingers, face, and toes were numb before the race even started. I knew my body temperature would rise as I ran, but I questioned whether or not it would rise enough to bring feeling back into my appendages (it didn't).

My goal was completion. I am insanely competitive, so I have been practicing on pacing myself during my daily runs to prepare my mind for a slower race. I was not concerned with time or placement. I simply wanted to live to tell about it. The first 6-7 miles were like cake. I felt strong and ready to take on the next. I even managed to pass a few people that had left me in the dust in the first leg of the race. I was enjoying exploring the town of Tuscaloosa, so it really didn't feel like a lot of work. The first leg had 4 hills that I can remember. The first two were not so bad, but the other 2 were fairly steep. Since my trail race, I have developed a hatred/fear of hills. I made it up them no problem and reminded myself that the heavy breathing was only temporary.
I was running up the steepest hill of the race, when I noticed a woman in a wheelchair and two other women beside her cheering her on as she slowly pushed herself up the hill. Once I realized that the woman was also intellectually disabled, I ran beside them for a moment to cheer her and her coaches on. That moment was so profound. Here I am, feeling all high and mighty because of my accomplishments, and this woman, with more limitations than I will ever know, is competing alongside me. I was overwhelmed with inspiration. Witnessing such determination lit a fire in me. I am a healthy, typically functioning young woman, and I had absolutely NO excuses for not giving it my all. It was just the motivation I needed!

By mile 9, I had blown my nose in my sleeve so many times that my nose chapped. My lips were dry and wind burned and my chapstick was completely frozen. More than once, I caught myself drooling without realizing it because I had absolutely no feeling in my face whatsoever. I was also experiencing some pretty insane shin splints. The last 4 miles of the race were the hardest part. I kept reminding myself that 4 miles was a light run for me and I tried to forget about the miles I already knocked out. The view was awesome during the last leg! We ran beside the river and through a park. I'd give anything to be able to run there everyday. The race ended at the Tuscaloosa Ampetheatre. As I approached it, I tried to pick up the pace. We circled the building and as I entered the ampetheatre to cross the finish line, I laid my eyes of Blakely and my dad. Their noses were blood red but they were in the front row, cheering as loudly as they could. My face lit up and I managed to scrounge up the energy to cross the finish line at a sprint. I received my medal and was greeted by hundreds of people cheering me on, but the thing that mattered most was that my dad and boyfriend were there to see me do it.

Completing this race was like nothing I've ever felt before. Partially because I was so cold that I couldn't move my mouth. I looked and felt like I had a stroke. I felt high, probably because I ran 13.1 miles, but mostly because this race was my way of kissing the 285 girl that I used to be goodbye forever. It 4 years, I have lost the weight of an average sized teenager. I have earned the title runner. Running, an activity that I literally used to fear and avoid, has become my favorite hobby. It was a little over a year ago that I completed my first 5k, and in such a short amount of time, I have increased my distance by 10 miles. I can never go back; I refuse to go back. The feeling of accomplishment and pride that I experienced today was more satisfying than any fried food or chocolate covered treat. I am a different person, a better person. Although, I did devour that red velvet donut immediately upon arriving home.
Here are some pictures from the race! Some are pre-race, and the ones where I look like I can't move my jaw are post-race. Thank you for your support and for reading. You guys are my biggest motivation.

What they don't tell you about clean eating

I am two weeks into clean eating. The meals are not a problem for me. I have done really well with sticking to raw fruits and vegetables, brown rice, whole grain pastas and bread, and lean meats. I feel fit and energized throughout the entire day. Snacking is where I am most tempted to reach for the wrong thing.
It's taken some time to get used to, but I am making more and more small changes every day.
For example, I've switched from coffee creamer (even the sugar free) to almond milk. Almond milk is much creamier than regular coffee creamer, and it doesn't leave me feeling bloated or full.

Throughout this process, I've had several "ah-ha!" moments that, I feel, are worth sharing incase any of you are looking into making the change to a clean diet.

1. It's impossible to change over night. I know I "started" eating clean two weeks ago, but I was not fully equipped to eat 100% clean, and I was not willing to throw away the entire contents of my pantry and fridge to make room for the clean stuff. It really is a process that takes preparation and planning. Jumping into it was a mistake on my part and sadly, I've wasted a lot of food and money.  Slowly integrate new items into your kitchen that will take the place of the processed items.

2. There is nothing that calms my cravings for chocolate except the delicious, processed, UNCLEAN goodness itself. I thought I would find something, anything to take the place of wanting to snack on chocolate. Unfortunately, I have yet to find an alternative, and to be completely honest, I'm not sure I want to.
**RANT**
I wake up at 5 a.m. (sometimes before) every morning and teach children for 8 hours each day. If I am not in class until 9 o'clock, I come home and workout for at least 2 hours before I start on the insane amount of homework that is due at the end of every week for my grad classes. I deserve all the chocolate, cupcakes, ice cream, and candy that my fat self can eat! Do I over-indulge? Absolutely, but is there really a reason for me to feel bad about it? I think not.

3. Eating 5-7 meals a day is HARD. I eat oatmeal and fruit everyday for breakfast, and I usually don't feel hungry again until 9:45-10. Unfortunately, my work schedule doesn't always allow me 5 minutes to sit down and have an apple or a cup of yogurt. I try to eat a snack between breakfast and lunch, but it isn't always a priority. Part of me still believes that dinner should be my big meal of the day because it is after my workout and I've eaten lightly throughout the day.

4. Clean eating is expensive! Produce isn't cheap, and it doesn't last long. I find myself grocery shopping at least twice every week with this new diet. Eating right shouldn't feel be a financial burden.

It sounds like a lot of complaining, but I really do feel like clean eating is the best choice for me. It's just taking me a little longer to get used to all of these changes than I'd like...
Don't let me scare you away from it! You will feel better in a matter of days when you begin fueling your body with the right things. It is definitely going to take longer than a month to adjust to this lifestyle, but I am willing to take the time to do it right.

I have been pain free for almost 2 weeks. I've really thrown myself back into running. Last Friday was a hard day. My kids were out of sorts, and I was feeling a little out of sync myself. I came home and went for a run. I set out to do 5 miles but ended up running 9, my new record. Even my trail run wasn't a true 9.6 because I couldn't run up the hills. This time was legit. After every mile, I asked myself "are you going to die?". If the answer was no, I kept going. Even at 9, I probably could have continued. By the time I reached that point though, the temperature had dropped significantly and it was almost 7:30 p.m. My nose was frozen and I could barely feel my fingertips but I was over the moon!

Since then, I have been running every other day 6-8 miles minimum. It's an odd feeling when 6 miles is considered your "light run". I'm more determined than I ever thought possible. This race will not get the best of me like that trail run. I want to feel completely prepared when the big day comes, so I'm not allowing myself to make excuses. Even on my fattest days, I am out there killing those miles.

Here are a few things on the menu for this week and a couple of workouts that I am going to try out:

Squash and Wild Rice Casserole

Broccoli Bites

I'm kind of interested in CrossFit. It might be something I try after my half marathon, so here are some CrossFit exercises that I am going to tryout this week at the gym!

CrossFit Burn and Firm

Good luck this week in your pursuit to live a happier and healthier life! 

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."

So Fresh, So Clean

We are almost a month into 2013. How are those health resolutions coming along? It's too soon to quit, so save the excuses for June or July!

I survived my detox. Day one was probably one of the most miserable days in the history of my life (yes, I am THAT fat). Not eating for an entire day was far more difficult than I imagined it would be, but I did it! I drank at least two liters of water and two cups of vegetable stock. By day two, I was more than ready to chow down on some fruit! My meals consisted of pineapple, grapes, and grapefruit. It wasn't the General Tso Chicken I so desperately longed for, but it was better than pretending to enjoy the water my vegetables soaked in for thirty minutes... I hadn't prepared myself for the caffeine headaches that would go along with detoxing. I was a miserable grouch, and Blakely is the best man I know for putting up with me.

Day three was probably the most difficult. I planned my detox to where I wouldn't be a starving grouch around my kids, so the first two days were done on the weekend. By day three, I could have raw vegetables, fruits, and liquids. I woke up and began preparing my breakfast, but something wasn't right. I felt faint and my vision began to tunnel. When I saw myself in the mirror, my lips were the color of my skin. My knees were super shaky, and I felt like I couldn't stand another second. I sat in the floor and shouted until Blakely woke up. He brought my breakfast to me on the floor and it made all the difference in the world. I'm no expert, but I am guessing my sugar bottomed out due to my lack of food intake over the past 3 days.

As the week progressed, I reintroduced my body to carbs and proteins. I was bursting with energy, and most importantly, I FELT healthy. By day seven, I had dropped 6 pounds, I was sleeping harder than ever, and I was in the best mood of my life.

This detox has given me ample time (or so I thought...) to rest my foot. I rested my foot the entire week. I avoided working out too much because I wasn't taking in enough calories to burn, and I really didn't feel like dying. On day 6, Nanci and I purchased a gym membership and the YMCA. I've already put it to good use! I've been experimenting with new classes and really focusing on strength training. My new obsession is spin class! I went to the Sunrise Spin Class on Friday since school was delayed for two hours. The class begins at 5:30 *cringe*, and the bikes are in a room surrounded by windows. They turn off the lights, so the first part of the class is lit by Christmas lights. The sun slowly creeps up and fills the room while the class is going on. Somehow, I managed to take a moment to appreciate the beauty of the sunrise in between the uphill sprints. By the time the class was over, I was pouring sweat from every pore of my body. My calves and thighs burned like the flames of hell and I was convinced my ass was going to fall off my body entirely. It was the best workout I've had in months, and I had tons of energy throughout the day. It was totally worth waking up at 4:40 on a workday.

Last week was just what I needed to motivate me for my month of clean eating! I started Monday, and I can already tell that it's going to be fabulous! I've eaten 5 meals today, but I don't feel bloated or guilty in the least.

• Meal one: Peanut butter BAN-oatmeal. Mash a half of a banana in a bowl, add plain rolled oats and a tbsp. of natural peanut putter or almond butter. Add water and cook in the microwave for 5 minutes. I like to add a little bit of cinnamon for some more flava! It's my new obsession. I made if for Blakely and he added a spoonful of brown sugar because the banana wasn't sweet enough by itself. If you are eating clean, skip on the sugar!
• Meal two (post run): Oikos plain yogurt sweetened with honey and apple slices
• Meal three: Turkey bacon, lettuce, and tomato on whole grain bread
• Meal four: An avocado
• Meal 5: Turkey lasagna roll-ups made with lean ground turkey, spinach, ricotta cheese, and crushed tomatoes. I also ate a small spinach salad with it. 

Altogether, I've eaten right at 1,300 calories today. No shame in that!

Today was the first day of my 30 days of clean eating, but I've been experimenting with clean recipes all weekend.

Friday, I made clean turkey chili that was oh-so delicious and guilt free! I froze the leftovers in cupcake tins to take with me for lunches this week.

Annie came down this weekend and we made chicken and vegetable kabobs with bakedsweet potatoes and apples on the side. 

The recipe calls for chiles, but I didn't think it would be as good with those, so we left them out.

Even Blakely, advocate of all food processed, can't deny the deliciousness of these meals! I think I am going to win this argument!

Like, I said before, I thought a week would be more than enough time for my foot to heal. I've been itching to run now that I've got all of this energy. I ran three miles on Saturday. I didn't want to jump into it and injure myself on my first day back, so I purposefully kept it short and slow. I was hoping to dive back into it this morning with a 5 mile run. The first two and a half were perfect. I was actually feeling like I could do more than 5 because the weather was so beautiful and I was deep into "the zone". About 2.8 miles into my run, I came down off a slope and landed on my foot all kinds of wrong. I took three more strides before the pain became completely unbearable. My half marathon is a little more than a month away, and I have only run 8 miles in two weeks. I should be running 8 miles everyday. This is a SERIOUS problem. I know I need to rest it, and I know I can cause long-term damage if I'm not careful, but the thought of missing out on this challenge that I have spent years training for is more painful than any injury I could physically sustain. I pride myself in never quitting. It's kind of my thing... I don't know if it's considered quitting to throw in the towel due to injury, but it would feel a hell-of-a-lot like it to me. I'm going to tryout the elliptical tomorrow. It's less impact and I can still get my cardio in. I have a follow up appointment with my podiatrist on Thursday, and I am crossing every single finger and toe that he will have some ideas for how I can speed up my recovery time. Prayers/thoughts/good vibes/whatever ya got, I'll take 'em!

The weather has been SO perfect for outside activities this weekend. If you are able to, go outside and enjoy it while it lasts! Be active and be healthy! Use this to motivate you this week! 

When you think you haven't got a single bit of fight left in you, remember that your body is so much stronger than your mind. Have faith in yourself because you are the only thing standing in the way of your success.

Best of luck on your journey toward a happier and HEALTHIER life! 

Learning the Hard Way

What a week…

I mentioned in my last post that my tendinitis was flaring up again and how dumb I’ve been for not listening to my body telling me to take a break. I paid for it. BIG TIME. On Tuesday, I worked out with a couple of co-workers after school. We did Level 2 of Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred. If you are looking for a low impact but VERY effective workout DVD, I would highly recommend the 30 Day Shred. Jillian Michael’s isn’t the same heartless demon in her workout DVD as she is on the Biggest Loser. She is actually quite calm and encouraging. After our workout, I was going to be tough and go for a 4 mile run. I got a mile into the run before the pain in my foot was so unbearable I couldn’t put any pressure on it. Blakely had to come pick me up off the side of the road by our house. I am not one to be easily embarrassed, but that was downright humiliating. I’m no quitter, so throwing in the towel was not an easy choice. The arch of my foot was so swollen that it looked like it was filled with Jello, and the pain was unbearable. Blakely put his mean face on and told me he would fight me if I tried to run again. I agreed to go to the doctor and take a week in order for it to heal.

On Thursday, my principal let me leave for an hour to see a podiatrist. Dr. Silvers (in Anniston) came highly recommended by many of my co-workers. I had to spend the first 20 minutes filling out paperwork describing the physical activities I participate in and the intensity and specifics of my injury. The first words out of his mouth were “you might have to stop running”. I felt my blood boil because that just wasn’t an option. I told him that it was not going not going to happen until after my half in March. He x-rayed my foot and spent some time poking around before he determined it to be plantars fasciitis. Basically, the plantars band in my foot is inflamed and has small tears. I got a shot of Cortizone in my heel (worst pain of my life) and a prescription for the pain. The swelling has gone down immensely, and I can finally put pressure on it again. I’ve stuck to my word and haven’t run since Tuesday. I’ve gotten a lot done since I’ve been forced to come up and sit around until I pass out on the couch, so I guess the break has been good for me. The reality of the situation is that I’m not going to be able to run forever. I’ve got to start exploring other forms of exercise instead of running everyday. The doctor, who used to be a marathon runner, told me “if you are going to run long distance, you’re going to have to accept running in pain”. His honestly, however brutal it was to hear, was appreciated. I'm taking this as a huge lesson. I've got to start listening to my body when it's tell me it can't keep up. I could have sat out on Tuesday and rested my foot, but stubborn me had to prove myself once again. 

Now on to my next “ah-ha!” moment of the week… Regardless of the amount of weight I’ve lost or the distance I’m able to run, I have continued to see myself as being fat. My body image is all kinds of screwed up because I don’t feel like I’ve done enough. I’m constantly snacking and I always feel bloated. I stumbled upon this website http://www.eatcleandiet.com/.

Clean eating is NOT a diet. It’s a complete lifestyle change, and you know how often I preach about a lifestyle change. Basically, clean eating boils down to the food that the good lord intended us to eat and NO PROCESSED FOODS.

Here are the perks of eating clean:

1.    You eat 5-7 small meals a day. I love to eat!

2.    Eating unprocessed take away the feeling of being bloated.

3.     I can still eat sweets, pastas, and cheese! Eating clean doesn’t require me to cut out the things I love. I just have to find unprocessed choices with few ingredients.

I would be giving up fast food, cereal, and candy, but I feel like this is a change I can live with. I’m ready to take it to the next level. I’m tired of feeling lethargic and bloated 24/7, so I am going to give this “eating clean” thing for a month starting today.

To prepare my body for this change, I am detoxing. Check it out because detoxing is a great way to prepare your body for a big change. After 7 days, it’s on to clean eating! Wish me luck!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-185047/Week-seven-day-detox.html

Mind Over Matter

"Change is the essence of life; be willing to surrender who you are for what you could become." 

That quote is profound. I saw it for the first time today. My year has started off on a very swollen and injured right foot. I think I am going to actually see a doctor this time. I have every intention of completing that half marathon on March 2nd, come hell or high water... or injured foot.

I have to give myself credit, I have really stuck to my guns this past week by watching my eating habits and making sure I exercise regularly. I was running 20-25 miles per week this past summer, and I felt better than I've felt in my entire life. Ideally, I'd like to get back to that, but between grad school and my job, it's very difficult to make that kind of commitment.

In my fat days, I was relatively outdoorsy. We grew up camping, swimming, biking, all that jazz. The summer I worked for the YMCA consisted of mountain biking (mostly mountain bike walking) adventures, white water rafting, horseback riding, and lots of hiking. I LOVE being outdoors, so I am really trying to get back into it! My co-workers and I mountain biked a local trail on Saturday. What was supposed to be a 2.4 mile ride on an easy trail turned into an almost 7 mile ride consisting of rocks and hills. I am still not sure if we were on the easy path. According to the signs, we were, but Kelly and I both agreed that parts of the ride were far from easy. My thighs burned and my hands are still chapped from the death grip I had on my bars for the downhill portions of it, but I had an absolute blast! Maybe I was blinded by my fatness in my past mountain biking experience. Like I said, a lot of them consisted of pushing my bike rather that riding it. This ride was full of cardio bursts! There were several times I found myself gasping for air. I woke today feeling soreness in my calves, thighs, arms (surprisingly), and back. It was really a full-body workout. I felt so accomplished afterward because I only walked a few times, and they were for very short spells. I could see myself really getting into mountain biking!
Here was our course. It was on the Coldwater Bike Trail, which was part of the trail I ran for my race in December. I said I would never run it again, but the easy leg wasn't at all as hilly as the trail I ran.

My workout today was a beautiful 8 mile run and 10 minutes working on my abs. I always tell Blakely that at this point in my running career, endurance is just a trick of the mind. I am used to being out of breath, sweating, and feeling uncomfortable all over. My usual run is between 4-6 miles, but to prepare for my half, I have to start improving my distance. The farthest I've ever run is 9.9 miles. It was for my trail race and it was grueling and miserable. For regular, slapping the pavement running, I know I am capable of going farther. To improve my distance, I am having to put my time on the back burner. My goal is to simply FINISH the half marathon without dying or walking. Time is of no importance. I always like to keep my mile pace under 10 minutes, and on any given day, my average mile time is 9. 30. Instead of having my GPS give me the distance and pace for every mile, I changed my settings to only distance to focus only on running 8 miles. It made all the difference in the world! I felt more motivated because I wasn't trying to beat my last run time. I was able to listen to my body and go at a steady pace. My average mile was 9 minutes 45 seconds, and I can live with that. I am proud of my run, however, I broke one of my most important rules: I ran on an injured foot and completely ignored my body when it was screaming at me to stop. The swelling in the arch of my foot has gotten really bad this weekend, so it's back to compression socks and elevation. Everyone loves a woman in a compression sock... you know you do. 

I really feel like exercising is a mind game. Once you have gotten used to being out of breath and you can get over the smell of your own body odor, endurance really boils down to how far you are willing to let yourself go. I am more motivated than ever to complete this half marathon, which I registered for today. I originally said I was going to run in the Mercedes Half, but $100 is unreasonable. My first half marathon will be the Tuscaloosa Half on March 2nd. That givens me just short of two months to get to where I need to be. 

Here are some really awesome pins that I pinned this week. 

The first one is a list of workouts for runners to do in addition to running for targeting those muscles that running doesn't. 

Switch Hit Your Workouts

The next pin is an article written by nutritionists describing ideal eating habits. This article is FANTASTIC and helpful for those that struggle establish an eating schedule. 

What A Perfect Day of Eating Looks Like

Finally, I have been having non-pregnancy-preggo cravings for sweet potatoes lately. They're considered one of the healthiest things you can eat, so I found this list of recipes! I cannot wait to try them out!

Yuuummmmm

Best of luck to you this week! It's too early to give up on your resolutions, so work hard!

Great Expectations

I am convinced that my friends and I reached the fun limit last night. No more fun can be had than was had last night. I hope your New Year's Eve was spent making beautiful memories with your loved ones, and I also hope you as excited as I am to begin a new chapter of your life. 

Surely, you've set some resolutions for the new year, and if I had to guess, they are something like living a healthier life, losing weight, cutting back on your guilty pleasures, etc... This year is going to be different for me. Instead of setting health goals and making promises to myself that I probably won't keep, I am going to make an effort to be more appreciative of what I have done and what I have been given. 

I'm sure I've blogged about my body image obsession before. When I was fat, life was simple. I ate what I wanted whenever I wanted because it didn't matter... I was already terribly unhealthy. Now that I am less fat, I am constantly aware of what I can so easily fall back into if I am not careful. Let's face it, once a big girl, always a big girl. I love to eat. My love for all things tasty causes me to feel guilty anytime I eat, even if I am eating healthy. Every bite I take, every snack, every meal is plagued with fear. I'm fearful of resorting back to my old lifestyle. My greatest fear in this world is letting myself down because I KNOW what I am capable of, and I know I have the ability to control myself, but I just can't shake the feeling of immense guilt. 

The root of the problem was pointed out by my father a few months ago: the expectations I set for myself, for others, and for my life in general are unrealistically high, so I can never be fully satisfied. What a profound thought... my daddy is so smart. Don't get me wrong, setting goals and having high expectations for yourself and others are not bad qualities, at least they're not in my opinion. But my ridiculous expectations are blinding me of seeing how far I have truly come with my health and in other aspects of my life. I never feel satisfied with what I have accomplished because I have yet to reach whatever ridiculously high goal I have set for myself. Sadly, I really can't pinpoint what this unattainable goal is that is causing me to feel like this. I've done all I've set out to do and more. I live a comfortable life, I have an incredible supportive and loving boyfriend, I am living out my dream of teaching special ed., I've lost a ton of weight, I've traveled, and I am working toward my second degree. What else could I possibly ask for in this world? Knowing that I have such a beautiful and successful life, how could I possibly feel like there should be more to it?

With all of that being said, here it is, my resolution... I am going to appreciate what I have been given and all that I have accomplished. I am done with feeling like nothing I have is good enough because it absolutely is. I live a beautiful, successful, happy life, and I am going to soak it up for all it's worth. That doesn't mean I am not going to still work toward a healthier life. I think that appreciating what you've accomplished is part of that. 

Whatever your resolutions are for the new year, always be mindful of your role in accomplishing them! Write them down and post them somewhere to avoid overlooking them as the year progresses. Best of luck to you in your journey toward living a happier and healthier life! 

Ground Zero

I'm back, and I'm fat. I'm back to fat.

To update you on the happenings of my insanely insane life since August would take too much of your precious time. Just know that by the grace of God and with the help of a lot of fried food, I made it through my first semester of grad school with a 4.0 GPA.

Since my last post, I began my new job at CES. My new babies are the most incredible people I've ever know. Everyday I have the privilege of being their teacher and loving them for 8 solid hours. There are no words to describe how much I appreciate my job and the children I work with.  They are my most prized possession, my most cherished gift.

So, like I said, I'm back. As much as I'd love to tell you how good I've been about sticking to my healthy meals and strict exercise regiments, I cannot bring myself to lie. I have completely fallen off the bandwagon. It really started in November. I registered for a 9.6 mile trail run because I felt like I wasn't challenging myself enough. Instead of preparing for my run by fueling my body with healthy foods and lots of water, I panicked and began stress eating, which I am so awesome at doing.
The day of the race was cold, windy, and rainy. I had been running my usual 5-7 miles to prepare, but I couldn't find the motivation I needed to squeeze those last 2 miles out before my race. I was praying adrenaline would take over and give my that final boost to the finish line. WRONG.
The first 2.5 miles were rainy but across relatively flat terrain. I thought to myself that I could totally bust out this trail run, regardless of my lack of preparation leading up to it. Just before the third mile, I came across the hill of all hills. It was like a giant hill that consisted of rows of mini hills that zig-zagged to the top, and it was by far the most intimidating thing I've ever seen. I looked up and saw the experienced trail runners trucking along without hesitation. I told myself I would do what I could. I think I ran up the first three mini hills. My quads burned like the flames of hell and I started to feel the oatmeal I had eaten prior to the race creeping up my throat.
I was able to run the last hill that led to the most beautiful scenic overlook I've ever seen. I wanted to stop and admire the scenery and forget about all of the running nonsense, but I had to keep on keepin' on. My goal was to complete the race in under two hours. After the hell hills, it was was 3-4 miles of downhill running. I wish all running was downhill. Don't get me wrong, running downhill on a mountain with loose rocks and uneven terrain is terrifying, but it's such a rush because you can really let your body take over. I rolled my ankles at least 30 times.
The mile 7 was my mile. It was through the most beautiful wooded area, and the ground was relatively flat. I felt like Katniss Everdeen, for all you Hunger Gamers. It was probably the only leg of the race that I truly enjoyed because miles 8 until the end were a steady uphill climb that ended with my gagging across the finish line with a time of 1 hour and 57 minutes. Blakely and Nanci were cheering me on as a crept up the last hill. By the end, I was physically ill and pissed off at the world. I have never experienced such agony, and it infuriated my to know that I had paid money to put myself through such torture. My legs cramped, my stomach turned, and my arms and face were wind burned. For the next four hours I choked back vomit and soaked my aching body in the hottest bath ever taken. Even though it was the most grueling thing I've ever done, I can't say I walked away empty handed. I finished second in my age group, and I learned A LOT about myself and running in general.

Things I learned from my trail run:
1. Trail running and running are two totally different forms of physical activity. It requires much more strength to run trails than it does to run on a flat surface, and unfortunately, I learned it the hard way.
2. Adrenaline is not always reliable.
3. Running cannot be the only form of exercise you do. I have been really bad about relying on running for my only means of physical activity. Trail running works your arms, back, abs, and legs, so targeting those prior to my race would have probably helped a lot.

My next race is in February, and it's my biggest run yet... a HALF MARATHON! 13.1 miles through the dangerous streets of Birmingham. I feel completely unprepared and oh so terrified that I won't make it. I have to get myself back on track. The mere thought of the race sends chills down my spine and makes me want to scoop Nutella by the spoonful savagely into my mouth.
I'm trying so desperately to find self-control and willpower again. No more stress eating, no more excuses. The holidays are officially over and I am more than ready to rededicated myself to healthy living. If you are looking for a starting point, let's do it together. I feel like I am back at ground zero. It's going to be a long, ugly fight back to the top, but I know what I'm capable of. I have pushed myself far beyond anything I ever thought possible, so this I'm turning this set back into a come back.

Remember this: The motivation you are looking for comes from within. No outside forces going to make the changes for you. It's not going to be easy, and it's never going to feel comfortable, but nothing is impossible.

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."
-Thomas Edison